Another Episode Of "YOU SUCK AT SELLING YOUR CARDS"

I was perusing eBay as I usually do every day when I am bored at work, and I found this nugget of sports card auction gold. I find it funny that despite how much time Vick has left on his jail sentence, this card will never go up in value.

Current value to most collectors: $-300 dollars.
Current book value according to auction: $55,000

First off, I dont think this card would be priced. If it was priced, I think the book value he used is not only fucking useless, its probably from 2004.

Thank god he takes best offer, because I only have 15 large to drop on this beast of the beast beater himself. Also, it comes in its very own Beckett holder from the National Trade Conference. You know what that means? Perfect condition.

I think the 150 dollars shipping is suspect though - but that is the only suspect thing I see.

Please Line Them Up And Shoot Them In The Testicles

You know, I dont check the IBMB at all anymore for comedic gold because their new website blows donkey ass. Yet, as usual, SCU readers come through in the clutch. One of my faithful readers, Jeremy, alerted me to an article I cant resist to completely destroy. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Beckett has previewed 2008 Triple Threads to the idiot conglmerate over on their site, despite being a few weeks tardy on the news.

The opening card pictured on their ridiculously late preview slideshow is the "24-piece relic" of Adrian Peterson. This card, pictured below, is the most ugly, stupidly conceived, hard to read, needlessly multi-jersey card ever created. There is a penny sized picture of peterson on the card instead of a nice large pic, it is an impossible to display foldout card, and the card has eleventy billion parallels. You may ask, who would buy this shitty product that hasnt changed in three years? Umm, let me display the comments here, because I think you may get the idea.

"WOW! that is the greatest card i have ever seen in my life and of my favorite player. that card is to die for.I wish i had that in my collection. the slideshow is awesome too!! You guys need to let one of us board members come on and do a box busters with you. keep up the great work GUYS!" - mblackmore01

"Those are some SICK cards. I'll be buying..." - stangy24

"Absolutely one of the greatest cards I have ever seen!" - Lprimus

In response to above: "+1" -AFFF

I am asking someone to please risk the jailtime and remove the testicles of these fucking retards so they cant procreate and fill the world with people who know as much about card aesthetics as Sarah Palin knows about foreign policy.

Last Idiot Trade Update

Well, I just got back from lunch and I got the Marino and the Romo FINALLY. He shipped them both together in a team snap case with no tape, and they spilled out into the package with no protection. The Marino is fine, thank god, but the Romo has two nasty dinged corners.

Considering I requested that he send them in the proper cases BEFORE he sent them, Im pretty pissed. I had to wait an extra week for this shit, and now I gotta deal with him being a complete fuckface to boot. He is lucky I hate basketball, because otherwise I would send this shit back to him. Im not going to do it because I like the Marino and the time it would take to get the LeBron back would be more than an Upper Deck redemption in 2005.

Since he has decided to come on here and tell us we are all "gay women" as Matt G put it, I will advise everyone to not trade with Cowboys4life71 on any forum.

His response to this: "They were fine when i sent them, he is just mad because i found his little blog and how he was slamming me on there and i defended myself. He said he couldn't wait to get his cards so he can leave tcc. good bye."

Wow! He got me! I damaged a card I intended to keep because he found SCU and got his ass handed to him. Nice. Glad you thought that out chief. Also that comment about you watching Gay men "blowing each other" instead of the Topps video was great. Im not sure why he is so obsessed with stuff being "gay." Some people...

A Comment On Collecting Terms

For some reason, every single collector has to have terms they use to describe everything. There is no wavering, its all the same term, no variety allowed. I dont understand why you cant just say "Wow, what a card!" when you get a nice card, instead of "YESSSSSSS MOJO!" It makes you sound half your age and half your smarts. But, I have commented at length about MOJO because it seems like it has wrapped its slimy oozing tenticle around every douche's brain in this hobby.

What about the word "SICK" to describe the prowess of the card? Obviously its just as bad, as every dimwit in every card store uses it like it was their first word as a child. Why cant we just say, "Fuck me, that card is awesome!" instead of "Get some life support, that card is SIIIICK!" I want to shoot myself in the face with buckshot for maximum pain.

Why is every relic and auto card called a "HIT"? The term is a little more practical than the mind raping nature of the above two, as most cards like that are a hit in a pattern of packs. But still, that is pretty dumb that we cant come up with better names with more descriptive variety.

How about the word "PULL"? This one is actually relevant to any chance ridden hobby. I have seen it in Miniature games that have random boosters, I have even seen it used for lottery tickets. Yes you are hearing that right. Its almost like we take a burning hot emblazened prod and burn these things into our brain, so that the neural pathway always leads to that term when encountering something of that nature. Its fucking ridiculous, and it makes collectors seem VERY ignorant and simple.

Basically, I hate people who cant think for themselves, and the collecting base is so full of these people that I think its reached critical mass. Lets hope the hobby doesnt run to a toilet and crap out the normal people, which always seems to happen.

Rules Of The Road

Well, thanks to the Acheiver Card Blog, I have found out that there are, in fact, rules to being a dumbass in the hobby. Luckily I still had my old copy of the Idiot Conglomerate bible to dust off, so here's the "10 Commandments" from the first chapter:

1. Thou shall find a way to make everything a 1/1 - if thy card is the first printed, the last printed, numbered to the players jersey number, numbered to the college jersey number, or any other way, it is henceforth a 1/1.

2. Thou must post all thy steals on a message board - if thou gets a card for .01 cent less than normal it is a a steal.

3. Thou must make a YouTube video of every pack break and mailday - it is essential to show off all thy cards for the world to see, even if they are jerseys numbered to 1100.

4. Thou must call every hit MOJO! - Because it is a great pull even when it doesnt cover the cost of the pack.

5. Thou must break a box of Triple Threads each year it is released - It is the best product of thy fair market, support it.

6. Thou must look up every card in thy Beckett - Thy magazine is the number one source for the hobby, it must be consulted. Consider it the new testament to this old testament.

7. Thou must get exact book value in return for any card thou decides to trade - book value is there so you can make money, not lose it.

8. Thou must consult a message board before any trade is completed - This goes for fantasy sports and for sports cards. Let the people decide for you.

9. Thou must say that every detractor lives in thy mother's basement - Because they obviously do.

10. Thou must defend these principles to the death - I am thy god.

I get it now. So much clearer.

A Comment On Determining How Many Colors Are On Your Patch Card

Dear Idiots,

This is not a 4 color patch card. It is AT BEST a 3 color patch card, if you insist on counting the fucking sliver of white as a color. Just so you know, you dont count the number of colors by the breaks in the patch. If the colors on the card are Red and Black, but happen to be separated like Zubaz pants, ITS STILL A FUCKING 2 COLOR PATCH. I dont care if it is borderline hypnosis inducing - STILL TWO COLORS.

Also, there is no such thing as an 8 color patch card. No team has that many colors on their jersey, so its not fucking possible. Stop trying to make a case that your multiple 2 color patch card is 8 colors because it has four windows with 2 colors per patch. Fuck you, you are the dumbest piece of shit I have ever met.

Infor-med-ly Yours,
Gellman

Someone please remove these people's reproductive organs so they cannot procreate.

An Addition To Wax Heaven's Video

First, Mario's Video:



My Response - Consider this SCU for beginners:

A Comment On eBay Item Descriptions

As part of my research on eBay auctions, I have compiled a list of 10 or so claims that must be included in every auction you post if you are the smartest/coolest/MOJOist collector around. Now, for our audience at home, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE CLAIMS IS ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT TRUE. It was verified by a guy at a friend's shop. I saw it with my own eyes. Because of this, you must put this in your auction so your item will sell for more.

1. This card is MINT condition
2. This card is a 1/1
3. The player on this card is going to be a hall of famer
4. The player on this card is going to do amazing this year / have a breakout season
5. Get this card before he blows up like ____________
6. This is the best card in the set
7. I am selling this card for a friend who pulled this amazing patch card
8. This is the only one on eBay, so its very rare / 1 of 1 / expensive
9. I will consider any offer
10. Another card just like this sold for _____________

Thank god all of these are true, because I am going to bid at least 50 dollars more because of that.

Cracking The Case!

I wake up this morning and I find a resolution to my paypal claim against the douche who tried to pawn off a graded BGS 8 card on me. As I opened the email, the blood in my veins started to boil as I saw that I had lost. Big time.

Well, all is not lost as I remembered that Dayf, who definitely deserves a link here, told me that someone had posted a pretty good system for cracking these beasts out of their case. I searched the internet for "TribeCards" as that is where he said it was. I followed the step by step instructions of cracking the hell out of the case and "pulling out the prize," and to my suprise, it actually worked! Thank the LAHWD!

So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the newly freed and wonderful Adrian Peterson Sweet Spot Autograph #8/25 (thanks again to dave from TribeCards):



Its so fucking nice, Im going to keep it.

See people? The lesson here is two fold - dont buy a card unless you are fucking sure that all is what it seems, and that not every card gains value when it is graded, so dont be a fuckhead. In fact, I created this checklist for you before you try it:

Is the card in immaculate condition?
(if yes, proceed down the checklist)
Is the card serial numbered to less than 2?
(if no, proceed below)
Will the card gain significant value if graded?
(if yes, proceed below)
Is the set known for being graded (ie Bowman Chrome)?
(if yes, proceed below)
Is the player worth spending the money to grade?
(if yes, proceed below)
Will this card sell for more than $200 without the grade?
(if no, proceed below)

If, and only if, all questions have been answered correctly, you may consider grading your card. However, I would always reccommend not doing so out of principal.

That is all.

No Matter What Beckett Does, They Just Dont Seem To Get It

So I got an email from a few readers that Beckett was introducing "real time pricing" for the new, awful, and confusing site. They describe it as updated pricing every day and that you will finally be able to get NRP the day the cards are priced by their Sr. Market Analysts (The Pricing Hat).

You would think this would make them more relevant, but really it continues to show how incredibly irrelevant they really are. They are so stuck on keeping this ideal of a "price guide" around, they dont understand that the way they price cards is made completely fucking useless by new(er) innovations over the last 20 years. Yes, Beckett prices their cards the same way they did 20 years ago (the Pricing Hat). They dont get that People get their info from the computer now. I guess no one at Beckett got that memo.

So, for the first time ever, here is what I would do if I were them:

First I would send my people over to go on eBay over the next six months and find out as much about as many cards as they can and then give it to your "Sr. Market Analysts." Then start a beta program where selected card sales are monitored and averaged every day. If there is no market data, they would leave it blank and not assign a random price from the hat. After about another three months, I would start promoting the real centralized pricing trends and show people how it works, mainly because 100% of the people who go by book value are complete idiots.

Now you wont be able to show a steady price, because like the stock market, things change hourly. So, you can give a range, which is more than anyone ever needs. This would help buyers who use eBay find out if what they are getting is actually a good price. No fucking multipliers and no fucking hat drawn prices.

People with a "My Collection" will be able to see "real time" graphs of the eBay market trends of the real value of their cards, and it will finally make Beckett relevant again. I would even use it. It would be a great tool!

For those of you who deal at shows, you could submit the prices you paid for your cards. Granted these prices would be off, because dealers jack up prices to make a profit. Yet, my fledgling economic mind believes there could be a formula established to generate a real value for these. In fact, I believe it would be PRETTY FUCKING EASY.

Then, instead of releasing a hobby magazine based on one fucking huge conflict of interest, you could promote a magazine that gave commentary, showed real market trends, and gave people a good expectation of what the hobby was really like. Hell, I would buy that too. You could even have readers submit their own store bought box breaks to show other readers a fair expectation as well! Wow!

Instead of doing all of the things above, thingsI just came up with off the top of my head, they are using their centralized website to give daily updates on THEIR prices, not REAL prices. I also think its pretty fucking hilarious that they have Sr Market Analysts. Besides, if they make as much money as their Sr. Graders (The Sr. Grader is pictured below with his Jaguar) maybe people will see what I am talking about with these douche nozzles.

See people, its a business for them, not an objective guide for you. I have said it countless fucking times that Beckett is the number one authority on douchebaggery. However, every time I fucking trade online, or every time I hear someone quote book value, I just want to scream that the price expectation they have is not real. It is a hat drawn number influenced by the manufacturers to create a false ideal of how to price a card. Manufacturers know that higher book value means more sales, so they find ways to inflate those prices - hmm, how does that happen? Ad revenue given to Beckett, boxes and swag given to Beckett, favorable press given to Beckett, who knows what else. If you think integrity has a place in this business you are fucking stupid.

I have exhausted myself trying to combat this, and others have taken up the mantle to try and stand with me (Thank you also to Rob from VOTC). Also, I know there are bloggers who privately feel the same way and do their part off the record. Granted, I know I make very little difference from this blog, but for every person that stops paying attention to Beckett's stupidity and false idols, I am a success.

UD Icons Football Introduces A Whole New Level Of Crap

On the Blowout cards forum, a user has busted a case of Icons for some god-forsaken reason. In his listing of the stuff he pulled, he mentioned that he had pulled a a "presidential campaign letter."

I just about puked on the screen, I mean, full on family guy on ipicac puke. What the fuck was Upper Deck thinking? Not only do the continue the asinine trend of Presidential Subsets in sports products, but now they are copying one of the worst ideas in the history of cards. Topps brought crap to an undiscovered limit with their inserts in the Topps baseball set, but this is crap to the nth power.

Check it out!



ITS A FUCKING REDEMPTION!!! Jokes on you, member of the idiot conglomerate! You cant even get your non-sports related presidential non-autographed manufactured letter right away! You have to wait! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Another funny thing that I found is that in the only auction for one on TWGM, it lists it as a "must have for any team or player collector!" Ha, yes, you have hit the nail on the head my stupid friend. It is a must have.

Note to Topps and Upper Deck: IF YOU ARE GOING TO MANUFACTURE THE LETTERS, YOU BETTER GET THEM FUCKING AUTOGRAPHED. That is all.

Two Unbelievable Auctions, I Cant Stop Laughing

Well, since every single person and their mother uses Beckett to sell their shit, Im not suprised that they got these two cards. Both cards are amazing, really huge pulls that have the possibility of breaking $15K. However, a few things about these auctions make me laugh really fucking hard.

The first card is one of the Hair Cut cards I discussed a few posts back, with this one being the best of the best. The cut is nice, the hair is creepy, but overall, its not suprising to see it reach the price it did because of the circumstances. The funny thing about this auction is that the card has a 5 cm piece of the hair. At least the Washington card had a good strand, this one, however, is crap - despite it being weirdly included in a baseball card set. Again, a piece of our country's history is destroyed for profit.

The second is a 1/1 Mantle Bat Barrell that was out of Topps Sterling. Besides it being sold by Beckett, this auction screams "I AM THE STUPIDEST PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF CARD COLLECTING!" about its seller. Let me elaborate: first mistake, this fucking idiot sent his prized pull to the hobby's number one source on douchebaggery. Good idea, idiot. Secondly he had them slab it in this fucking "ROZDUCKULOUS" case because its obvious the foldout cards are beyond Beckett's capabilities. Big suprise there. Lastly, Topps couldnt include some game used jersey in this card? Instead they used some stark white old timer game jersey? Cmon, that is fucking stupid. However, the funniest thing about this idiot and his card? He had them grade it.

Let me repeat that so you get the full gist of this.

HE HAD THEM GRADE HIS 1/1 MICKEY MANTLE BAT BARRELL CARD. Please, someone, tell me why he decided to do this? If the slab wasnt funny enough, his card is forever a 7.5 for all to see. Did he think it would be worth more as a 9.5? Who fucking cares! This could be the dumbest thing I have ever seen, no doubt. Just to remind you, if you grade a 1/1, you deserve to be shot.

Alright, You Win, This IS the Best Box Ever Of 2008 Donruss Classics

Warning, the following is:

I was going through the idiot bomb message boards checking on some A & G breaks, when I couldnt help but notice that this guy did indeed break the "BEST BOX EVER!??! MOJO!!!! LOOK!"

Recap ("HITS!!!!!!"):

Tony Romo Jersey /9 - 30 bucks (only because cowboy fans are stupid)

"Classic Quad Sanders, LT, Walter Payton, Emmitt Smith!!! Holy Crap!!! MOJO! 81/100!" - $46

"DeSean Jackson Jersey Auto 10/10!!!!!" - 50 bucks, I cant see it worth more than that on TWGM

So, this was a box that BARELY broke even on the box price, and even if I am off a few bucks, its still not THAT much more. Of course, its not really about the hits themselves, its about the person posting them (and his use of more than 50 exclamation points during the course of his post).

Kill me now.

The Logo Creep

Today, I want to talk about something that has been bugging me for the few years its been around. It is probably the worst marketing campaign ever conceived by this industry, and it makes me pissed every time I see it. The Rookie Card Logo was conceived by Upper Deck to make sure that joe collectors know exactly which card is the rookie card for that player. I say it was conceived by Upper Deck because Bowman is the end all and be all of RC cards, and no smart marketing exec would come up with a gimmick to try to limit the exposure of their biggest product. It just doesn’t make sense. Im guessing they posed it as a group venture with everyone in the industry, but in the end, its pretty obvious that they were just trying to save their own asses from being blown out of the baseball card market worse than they already were.

So, now, instead of having that logo as an ugly beacon of freshness for new cards of a certain player, we are instead left with a blinding reminder of why gimmicks never work. The reason being that by the time a guy makes the 40 man roster and becomes eligible for cards, he has already had 2-3 years of other products under his belt. Bowman, Bowman Chrome, Bowman Sterling, Elite Extra Edition, and many others have made the RC card logo as irrelevant as a Mike Huckabee for president campaign sign. The other comic problem with this whole thing is that the logo will be affixed to the card every year until he loses his RC eligibility, or another whole fucking year or two. That means, by the time he is actually getting cards without the logo, he is coming up on a long goddamned time in the industry. Funny shit.

Lets look at Delmon Young, the once favorite son of the hobby, and rookie card logo extraordinaire. His first card was in 2003 Bowman Chrome Draft. That card was hot for the longest time because he was as close to a sure thing as you could get. Fast forward to 2007, where his cards ARE STILL DISPLAYING THE LOGO, a full four years after his first card. Its fucking ludicrious to think this logo actually means anything other than this idea sucks harder than a fucking wet vac.

Probably the most horrific thing that makes the most difference in a card, is that this logo is big, bright, and fugly. It ruins the cards it graces, because the colors have never matched with anything, and it is so prominently featured that you cant ingnore it. Who decided this thing should be BRIGHT FUCKING GOLD? Honestly people, make it fucking gray, or even better, clear.

Besides the fact that its purpose is completely moot due to the sheer number of sets produced each year, it is still creeping into other sports as well. I was shocked to see a stupid ass logo on Bowman football and topps football. See, the difference is that in football, rookies play, so you don’t need a fucking logo. Goddamn you topps, stop ruining your shit!

The reason I brought this up now is mainly due to Razor Poker's signing of some baseball prospects until they hit the majors, discussed earlier. For the first time ever, the RC card logo may make a fucking difference for an American player, and that scares the fucking shit out of me. When Topps and UD came up with the slogan, "You arent a rookie until we say you are!", I laughed because there was no way that this was true. Now, its kind of a gray area with certain prospects.

Personally, I don’t believe in the whole "true rookie" bullshit anyways. Many Joe Collectors say that when it comes to RC you have to go by Becketts definition. Fuck that. My serial numbered parallel base auto is just as much a rookie card as your bullshit base card. I don’t care what the beckett jizz moppers (thanks reader Alex) say. If its an insert set, fine, ill let you win. Buuuuuuut if it’s a parallel of the same goddamn card as the base RC, its still that person's fucking rookie card. Don’t give me the bullshit about "it’s a parallel of the Base RC, so its not a True RC" you douche, its still the same fucking card with the same fucking picture. Plus, I swear, if you even mention the letters XRC together, ill fucking kill you. All first year cards are going into the Rookie Card labled top loader.

Regardless of what people actually think of the Razor bullshit, we can all agree that the logo is brutal and should be wiped from our memories. I would hope that in the coming years, we don’t come down to an "official 2nd year card" logo for the idiots that cant google when a guy first played. Fucking god this is getting bad.

Joe Collectors Need To Post Their "Steals" Or They May Explode

This morning, a Joe Collector rolled out of bed and sat down in front of his computer. I say it was morning because 11:59 am is still technically morning. Immediately he pulls up his home page, the Idiot Bomb Message Boards, or as he calls it, "the kewlest place on teh Earth," and starts his day. After looking through the new threads and posting "nice MOJO!!!!!!" on the 50 mailday posts that litter the front page of the forum, he goes to eBay.

He looks through the different auctions of his favorite players, and eventually finds a card that he can get at "1/12 of its BV of 105 dollars." He shakes in anticipation as he hits the BIN on the card. OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, he thinks to himself.

As he takes the scan from the auction, he puts it into his photobucket and pulls up the ready and waiting message boards for his monumental post. He scours the threads and makes sure that the other 10 people who have posted their steals for the day dont have the same sick MOJO that he does. One other Coe Jollector has posted his steal of a 50 dollar BV jersey card that he got for 1.99, so the JC decides he has to wait until he can have the thunder all to himself.

Later that night, after posting 5 threads about whether or not he should go through with various trades, he posts!

The result? This, This, and This.

A guy posting about a fucking Clinton Portis college jersey card out of SAGE HIT that he got for five bucks. Are you fucking kidding me? This cock knocker (thanks reader Jeff) has actually taken the time to hash out this post with the idea that people are going to give him praise for finding a card that normally wouldnt break 7 dollars(and even that is too much money for this POS card). The other guys are just examples of JCs being the Baron Von Assmasters (thanks reader Aaron) that they are.

What's even funnier is that people humor this fucktard (thanks reader Collin) with praise and adjulation. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I cant stand these fucking fucksticks (thanks reader Ryan).

Wow, Someone Smack This Guy

Well guys, if you ever want to know who buys the fake patches that give the donkey rapers their name, please check this out.



This card, is 100% fake. Its not even an issue. The Vikings do not have logos this big on their jerseys. All Day did not wear throwbacks at the photo shoot - at least they havent been seen anywhere if he did. This patch is obviously from a replica jersey as well, because the authentic throwbacks have more of a goldish hue to the patch on the sleeves. If this fuckface who sold it is trying to pass this off as a new style jersey, there is mesh around the Viking head, not solid fabric. Burning question - why in fuck's name would you even think of buying this card, let alone for 100 bucks? Even if it was real, its still event used. You could have bought a Montana auto, a Barry Sanders Auto, plus others rather than chancing it on this OBVIOUSLY fake card.

Whats more hilarious, is that this Coe Jollector still wants to get it authenticated rather than filing a claim. Typical. I love that in his original post, like a true JC, he had to tell us he had no problem "throwing down a Benjamin" for this. Two things, why post this in the first place, just wallow in your glory, and secondly, who fucking cares how much you spent? I laugh at you.

EDIT: Look at his photobucket! He has BVs listed next to every single goddamned card! Are you fucking kidding me? "Gee, look at all my Adrian Peterson cards! Combined $2000 BV!!! SICK MOJO CARDZ!!!"

Again, there are 100 posts per day exactly like this on the Idiot Bomb Message Boards. Why are there so many stupid people in the world?

This Cant Be Kosher...

So I am perusing TWGM and I come across this glorious display of DLP prowess, only to gasp horrifically when I see who is selling it.



Now, I know that the hobby's #1 source on douchebaggery (tm) does consignment auctions all the time, and that disgusts me to no end. But, to think that someone let Beckett get their grubby fucking fingers on this messiah of dual autos is kind of gross. Of course, that is not the reason that I am writing this post. I am writing this because of what was put in the auction's description, or that Beckett took upon themselves to label the auction as a card not pulled by them. When it gets to the point where you need to assert that fact, its time to stop busting fucking boxes on video, you soulless shitheads. Personally, I would love this card, but I would never put a fucking penny on an auction from these guys.

All wild accusations aside, since when does a magazine with a vested interest in any industry run eBay auctions? Does MacWorld sell people's Macs on the side? Does Gamepro sell rare videogames? Does Wizard, the Beckett equivelant of Comic Books, sell people's Spidey comics for them? No. No. NO.

Beckett makes this hobby a shitty, shitty place, and I hope they go down in flames one of these days. They are already on their way out, but I still see new threads posted on the place where the inmates have overrun the asylum asking what the book value of their MOJO CARD is.

For Beckett, karma is a wicked bitch, and I have a feeling she will be getting that time of the month some day soon for these assmunchers. Then we shall see who is laughing.

A Day In The Life Of Joe Collector

I'm beginning to think that the people of the hobby annoy me more than the manufacturers and Beckett ever could. As I have referred to them before, most of the people are sheep and will basically go where the shepherd takes them. Unfortunately for most, Beckett and UD are the shepherds - you know how I feel about that.

For those "Joe Collectors" that fall into the flock, I have the utmost contempt for their kind. I would explain it in words, but it really defies the use of common language. For me, spending an hour watching blind children fall into a vat of acid would be more inviting than spending one fucking mind numbing minute browsing some of the posts on the Beckett Message Board - or as I call it - the fallout zone from the biggest Idiot-Bomb ever dropped.

For the following, I want to go over a typical day that makes a Joe Collector so unappealing to me that I would take this kind of position against him. Ill warn you, small children should not be exposed to the following part of the post. Women who are pregnant or nursing should consult a doctor if they experience dizziness or dry mouth.

Joe Collector (pictured above) starts his day off by going to the hobby shop down the road. He loves this part of the day because he gets to go talk to the owner who gives him Yankee singles at low book. WHAT A DEAL! Today is special because his favorite product, Topps Triple Threads has just come in. He rips through both packs yelling, "CMON MOJO, CMON MOJO, CMON MOJO!" at full volume, much to the chagrin of many of the other customers in the store. Normally, he would shout out "LAST PACK MOJO!!!!" when he got to the last pack in the box, but with only two packs in the box today, its not as dramatic.

After ripping through his box and putting all his cards from the break in magnetic snap cases - even that Billy Wagner parallel card numbered 18/699 - Joe goes to the counter and pulls out a Beckett to price his haul. To him, the Wagner is worth more than its book value of $5.00 because it is numbered to his college jersey number (a 1/1 for sure!). He takes out his iPhone and updates his collection with the book values from Beckett and saves a new message board signature that explains exactly how much his collection is worth according to the new book. Some of his collection isn't priced due to scarcity, so he makes sure people know EXACTLY what portion that is.

Later, while re-upping his subscription to the Beckett online price guide, he gets a trade offer from a rare informed collector that says that he has that one card he was looking for. Joe realizes that what he will be trading to get the card is worth much more in the book than the card he is getting in return. Of course, as a Joe Collector, this fact means much more than actually having the card he was waiting for, so he makes sure that the trade is even despite having identical eBay prices to begin with. The person he is trading with mentions how stupid that is, mainly because eBay is a much better way to price a card. Joe Collector reassures the informed collector that eBay is a fickle monster, that the prices change daily, and that Beckett is a much more reliable source. The person declines his new offer because it has become so lopsided due to the need for the book values to be even. Despite losing out on his "MOJO CARD," he takes solace in the fact that his collection is still worth more according to the price guide.

After scrounging yet another trade offer, Joe decides to post his box break results from earlier on the forums for all to see. Even though it is already opened, he does it as if its live, listing every card individually and using smiley faces when he pulls a hit. Over the course of his thread, he uses a total of 178 exclamation points, and lists BV next to each card he pulls. Whenever he pulls a Yankee, his favorite team, he makes sure people know its NFT!!!!!!

This time, he was lucky enough to pull a Chin Ming Wang jersey card with a BV of $85, something that he knew would make people drool. Joe drafts his message board thread title and makes sure people know that he got a great pull! It reads, "BASEBALL BOX LIVE BREAK!!!! YANKEE-JO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME AND SEE!" He thinks to himself that this is genius because maybe someone will see the thread, look at his "SICK MOJO PULLS", and trade him that Derek Jeter auto he always wanted. He thinks that maybe he should have listed the year and brand of cards he broke, but that wasn’t as important as using 28 exclamation points. I mean, how often was he going to pull MOJO like that?

While he is reveling in the glory of people looking at his "SICK PULLS" and posting as such, he remembers he forgot to get the mail! He goes to the mailbox and pulls out a huge package that he knows contains his eBay purchase of 1000 different jersey cards from all sports. He opens the package and tapes it for YouTube so that everyone can see exactly what he got. Making mailday YouTube videos are his favorite.

After dinner, he decides that he needs a new Soulja Boy CD because the one he has is worn out from all the plays he gives it while making his YouTube videos. He jumps in his Dodge Neon and drives to Target. He gets the last copy of the CD and stops by the card isle to pick up a bunch of retail packs. As he approaches the isle, he sees a man searching through the packs, and this makes him incredible hulk angry. He goes to the security manager and lets the rent-a-cop know what is going on. The security guy escorts the man out, and Joe jumps on the chance to buy all the packs the man searched. When he gets home he opens all the packs and finds the plethora of "RETAIL MOJO" that he was so lucky to come upon. He makes a thread on the message boards telling people how he yelled at the man and threw him out of the store himself.

Please feel free to add your own chapter to this story, and remember, I-Bomb radiation is poisonous to informed people.

Book Value Is The Bane Of My Universe

I really hate to devote more time to something like my crusade against "book value," but I am so angry over something that just happened, that I can barely function.

I was trading online with a guy that had a card I have been looking for FOREVER, when the unthinkable happened. I had a card he desperately wanted, as well, something that I know was not going to surface on TWGM anytime soon. Both cards are relatively valuable to everyone, but more so to us, due to the people we like. I thought a straight up deal would be great considering how rare both of the cards were, but I had no idea that he had something heinous in his repetoir. When he dropped the idiot bomb, the trade floundered and I almost did a Family Guy puke. BOOM, the I-bomb takes out my dream of owning this card.

Actual text from our conversation - SCU will be me, IBOMB will be him:

SCU - So you ready to go on this? I am so happy I found someone who was willing to trade for the card!
IBOMB - Yeah, no shit, I have been looking for this since 2 years ago. Yo, just one last thing though. My card books at $100, yours is only at $50, is there any way we could even this out?
SCU - Why, they both sell for about the same on eBay, what is the problem?
IBOMB - I trade by BV
SCU - Besides the fact that this is completely ridiculous, considering how much we both need the other's cards, go ahead and see if there is anything else I can add.
IBOMB - I don’t really see anything I need, can you throw in some paypal?
SCU - Sorry, money is tight right now, cant do it.
IBOMB - Ok, well, thanks for trying, I think Ill pass.
SCU - You are going to give up on a card you want because some book told you that yours is worth more, despite the obvious fact that it sells at similar price?
IBOMB - If I wanted to go by SV I would go on eBay
SCU - eBay is the true price guide anyway
IBOMB - whatever, it changes daily.
SCU - Yes, but the prices are still relatively similar. Its not like a 50 dollar sale turns into 600 the next day, it may go to 53 or 47, but those are still ball park.
IBOMB - Sorry, people screw each other using eBay values to trade
SCU - You know, im done with you, congrats on trashing a good trade. I hope one day you stop being such a fundamentalist. You may actually realize that eBay is the only value you should worry about.

SCU Signed off 10:16pm

Let me reinterate a few different things here. First being that book value is the worst possible way to determine the true value of a card. Last time I went over all the ways that BV is wrong, and it still pisses me off when people quote it like the bible. The general collecting public is the most asshat filled group in the history of man, only because they refuse to understand that the ways of the old are out of date. In a day where magazines and newspapers are on their way out, people still think Beckett is the end all and be all of card pricing, even though there is a free place to look where money is no good. I cant believe this douche let the card he wanted go because some guide created by people who enjoy skinning puppies told him it was worth more than it was. I even played along! I fed in to this guy's insanity!

I just wanted to tell him that creating a price guide as a monthly publication for a volitile product is like putting a price guide on stocks as a monthly publication. I mean, much like eBay is the TWGM for cards, the stock market is a similar place for the companies that are traded. Would you go by a book's value of the stocks or the true market value? I swear, don’t say eBay is fickle and it changes - that’s common for a lot of products. Smart people know that steady value of any commodity is a myth, so shove that crap up your Beckett loving ass.

Another common thing on the pulse these days is people complaining that Beckett has changed their format. Instead of once per month, they now publish bi-monthly with less info on cards. Like it fucking matters how often Tracy "Bratz" Hackler takes out his pricing hat and draws out the book values for the month. Yet, for some reason, people are pissed because they cant see how much their card is worth to some cock-spackler with a buzzcut every month. Whats even worse is that with the online price guide, Beckett actually has the tools to circulate an eBay based price guide. But, like the magazine, the OPG is only updated monthly, and it costs more money to subscribe to. Plus, those assholes are too self absorbed to even entertain the fact that they may be the idiots that we know they are.

Now, I found my trader on a message board of seemingly informed people, yet he still is one of those ass spelunkers who trades by BV instead of SV or even just need for the card. Need is all that was important to me, but the money grubber had his own monetary interests in his side. How shitty is that? Ill be sure to cite book value as one of the main reasons I stopped collecting, if and when that happens.