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Its been a while since I have posted my hatred for people who act like 13 year olds around the net, and today I experienced an interaction on a message board that made me think things are hopeless for informed people. I got an email that someone I didn’t know had PMed me and asked if Topps Triple Turds was a good buy now that the price has dropped from an astronomical MSRP down to something like 120. His words were, "Dude, I have a place to get Trip Threads for 120, and I am thinking of buying in. I mean the MOJO potential is huge and the price is really low. What do you think?" I almost set my monitor ablaze to dance naked around its smoldering remains.
For those who are unfamiliar with my feelings, people who say "MOJO" when not referring to Homer Simpson's helper monkey, Austin Powers' libido, or the channel on TV, are by far the scummiest of the scum. Whenever I see someone refer to any card as "MOJO" I literally puke a little in my mouth. It lowers my low respect level even more when someone uses it for every fucking video for their channel on Youtube. The term sucks, I want to punch people when I hear it in person, and if I even hear the words "last pack MOJO" come out of someone's mouth in consecutive order, I will go get my flamethrower out of my trunk.
When you use "MOJO" in any fashion, worse if you say a player's name in conjunction with it (i.e OMG PETERSON-JO!!!!), I cannot respect you as an equal. You are the definition of a Joe Collector. You are the person who posts maildays on youtube. You are the person who buys Triple Threads. You are the person who looks up every card in your beckett to see how much it is worth. You are the person who will only trade cards when book value is exactly even. You post a steal with every auction purchase. You have 1,000 comments posted on Beckett's blog. You buy blasters for hits. You buy manufactured letters with sticker autos. You are captain doucheface.
Then, to have the nerve to ask me if Triple Turds is a good buy at 120 dollars only adds fuel to the fire. Triple Threads wouldn’t be a good buy at 10 dollars a pack. I am 100% dead serious. You get 2 hits per box, which most of the time will have a crap RC auto with three nonsense diecut windows, and a jersey card of some mid level guy. For 170 dollars. Bring it down to 120 and you are still 100 dollars above a good buy. First off, the stickers on these cards look stupid as hell with carved out windows for them. Second, the design hasn’t changed in 3 years, they just added some of the most ugly cards ever with the fold outs. Third, it breaks the topps high end rule, and for 2 hits at that price, I stand by it. Fourth, the price has dropped over 30% since release, that should show you how bad this shit really is. Lastly, the actual 'good' cards you can pull still don’t break box price. Go ahead, check it out.
So, let me reiterate, Triple Threads is the worst recurring product of the year until Topps Sterling hits the market, and MOJO should never be used in reference to cards unless you enjoy me reaching through your computer and mouse whipping you until you cry.
Well for a lot of people out there, today is the day of repentence, and I feel its time that maybe I offered some apologies to those I have hurt while doing this blog. They may not deserve it, but I feel its time.
First, to Topps, I am sorry for making fun of your awful products and your ungodly foil stickers from 2004. Even though the rest of the industry has become a design factory, you stick with the same old shit every year. I guess, for some people, static is better than dynamic and I am sorry for reveling in your incompetance. Your foil stickers may be the worst looking thing I have ever seen on a card, but you probably have a stash of them somewhere that you bought pre-2000, so I guess thats fine. Im sorry.
Second, to the Baseball Card Blog, I am sorry that I completely owned your posts on a few occasions when it comes to a world without a price guide. I am also sorry that I made fun of the lack of connection with the current hobby, I know you probably have a lot of fun looking at base cards from 1988. I guess if I needed to relive my childhood through cards, I would pick that year too.
Third, to all the Joe Collectors out there, im sorry for making you a focal point of idiocy for our hobby. Most of you seem to enjoy posting maildays on youtube and your seemingly never ending flow of "last pack mojo." You are right, I am completely jealous and I am just doing this because I feel empty inside. I am sorry.
Fourth, to all the patch fakers out there, im sorry for showing people that you dont have souls. I know you are just trying to make a living and you cant help if there is a dork out there who will buy your Adrian Peterson NFL logo patch numbered 5/1500. I am sorry.
Lastly, and most importantly, to everyone at Beckett, I am sorry for convincingly destroying your rep with close to 40,000 people who have visited this site. It wasnt fair for me to expose you as the douchebags you are without warning, and it was not cool that I showed everyone how irrelevant and underhanded you constantly are. You deserve to die a respectful death in the bargain bin at Barnes and Noble, and it was not my place to speed it up. Yes, it will be a sad day when you go under, because I will no longer have anything funny to write about you.
Whew, that was tough. Some times its good to get things off your chest.
For some reason, every single collector has to have terms they use to describe everything. There is no wavering, its all the same term, no variety allowed. I dont understand why you cant just say "Wow, what a card!" when you get a nice card, instead of "YESSSSSSS MOJO!" It makes you sound half your age and half your smarts. But, I have commented at length about MOJO because it seems like it has wrapped its slimy oozing tenticle around every douche's brain in this hobby.
What about the word "SICK" to describe the prowess of the card? Obviously its just as bad, as every dimwit in every card store uses it like it was their first word as a child. Why cant we just say, "Fuck me, that card is awesome!" instead of "Get some life support, that card is SIIIICK!" I want to shoot myself in the face with buckshot for maximum pain.
Why is every relic and auto card called a "HIT"? The term is a little more practical than the mind raping nature of the above two, as most cards like that are a hit in a pattern of packs. But still, that is pretty dumb that we cant come up with better names with more descriptive variety.
How about the word "PULL"? This one is actually relevant to any chance ridden hobby. I have seen it in Miniature games that have random boosters, I have even seen it used for lottery tickets. Yes you are hearing that right. Its almost like we take a burning hot emblazened prod and burn these things into our brain, so that the neural pathway always leads to that term when encountering something of that nature. Its fucking ridiculous, and it makes collectors seem VERY ignorant and simple.
Basically, I hate people who cant think for themselves, and the collecting base is so full of these people that I think its reached critical mass. Lets hope the hobby doesnt run to a toilet and crap out the normal people, which always seems to happen.
As I mentioned before, Chris Harris has taken to writing about Joe Collectors in a defining fashion, and to tell you the truth, Im pretty happy about it. His latest entry on Things Joe Collectors Like, is a little off though, and I want people to get the real(er) story based on my take of things.
Chris isnt completely wrong when he says that JCs love hits, that’s assumed. But, the problem is that 95% of the collecting hobby does the same thing. We look for the stuff that makes us the most happy, and an Autograph or Jersey card usually does that for me better than a base card. Ive said before that I don’t bust THAT much stuff, but when I do, I enjoy getting cool "relics" and autos of my favorite players. When I search for All Day, Mauer and Morneau on TWGM, I don’t search for the base, I don’t need to buy those. However, when I see a ridiculously cool Auto, im in it like a soldier in the shit.
The difference between the JCs and the PP, or Privileged Portion of collectors who are up on what they need to be up on (Please update your SCU glossary), is that when a JC pulls a "hit" they go fucking nutso, and they must post said hit on a message board with tons of exclamation points and some brain fart incarnation of MOJO. When someone who doesn’t have a mental imbalance pulls a hit, we put it aside and bask in the bright light of coolness for the card. If it ever makes it on to a message board, or blog in this case, we are realistic and calm, and no exclamation points or MOJO is used. We don’t say "SICK HIT!!!!!!!!!" and we don’t say "OMFGKGFLK MOJOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUPERMAN-JO!!!!!!!!!!!" for any reason whatsoever.
Ladies and gents, welcome to the PP. Wear your badge proudly.
So I am perusing TWGM and I come across this glorious display of DLP prowess, only to gasp horrifically when I see who is selling it.
Now, I know that the hobby's #1 source on douchebaggery (tm) does consignment auctions all the time, and that disgusts me to no end. But, to think that someone let Beckett get their grubby fucking fingers on this messiah of dual autos is kind of gross. Of course, that is not the reason that I am writing this post. I am writing this because of what was put in the auction's description, or that Beckett took upon themselves to label the auction as a card not pulled by them. When it gets to the point where you need to assert that fact, its time to stop busting fucking boxes on video, you soulless shitheads. Personally, I would love this card, but I would never put a fucking penny on an auction from these guys.
All wild accusations aside, since when does a magazine with a vested interest in any industry run eBay auctions? Does MacWorld sell people's Macs on the side? Does Gamepro sell rare videogames? Does Wizard, the Beckett equivelant of Comic Books, sell people's Spidey comics for them? No. No. NO.
Beckett makes this hobby a shitty, shitty place, and I hope they go down in flames one of these days. They are already on their way out, but I still see new threads posted on the place where the inmates have overrun the asylum asking what the book value of their MOJO CARD is.
For Beckett, karma is a wicked bitch, and I have a feeling she will be getting that time of the month some day soon for these assmunchers. Then we shall see who is laughing.
I'm beginning to think that the people of the hobby annoy me more than the manufacturers and Beckett ever could. As I have referred to them before, most of the people are sheep and will basically go where the shepherd takes them. Unfortunately for most, Beckett and UD are the shepherds - you know how I feel about that.
For those "Joe Collectors" that fall into the flock, I have the utmost contempt for their kind. I would explain it in words, but it really defies the use of common language. For me, spending an hour watching blind children fall into a vat of acid would be more inviting than spending one fucking mind numbing minute browsing some of the posts on the Beckett Message Board - or as I call it - the fallout zone from the biggest Idiot-Bomb ever dropped.
For the following, I want to go over a typical day that makes a Joe Collector so unappealing to me that I would take this kind of position against him. Ill warn you, small children should not be exposed to the following part of the post. Women who are pregnant or nursing should consult a doctor if they experience dizziness or dry mouth.
Joe Collector (pictured above) starts his day off by going to the hobby shop down the road. He loves this part of the day because he gets to go talk to the owner who gives him Yankee singles at low book. WHAT A DEAL! Today is special because his favorite product, Topps Triple Threads has just come in. He rips through both packs yelling, "CMON MOJO, CMON MOJO, CMON MOJO!" at full volume, much to the chagrin of many of the other customers in the store. Normally, he would shout out "LAST PACK MOJO!!!!" when he got to the last pack in the box, but with only two packs in the box today, its not as dramatic.
After ripping through his box and putting all his cards from the break in magnetic snap cases - even that Billy Wagner parallel card numbered 18/699 - Joe goes to the counter and pulls out a Beckett to price his haul. To him, the Wagner is worth more than its book value of $5.00 because it is numbered to his college jersey number (a 1/1 for sure!). He takes out his iPhone and updates his collection with the book values from Beckett and saves a new message board signature that explains exactly how much his collection is worth according to the new book. Some of his collection isn't priced due to scarcity, so he makes sure people know EXACTLY what portion that is.
Later, while re-upping his subscription to the Beckett online price guide, he gets a trade offer from a rare informed collector that says that he has that one card he was looking for. Joe realizes that what he will be trading to get the card is worth much more in the book than the card he is getting in return. Of course, as a Joe Collector, this fact means much more than actually having the card he was waiting for, so he makes sure that the trade is even despite having identical eBay prices to begin with. The person he is trading with mentions how stupid that is, mainly because eBay is a much better way to price a card. Joe Collector reassures the informed collector that eBay is a fickle monster, that the prices change daily, and that Beckett is a much more reliable source. The person declines his new offer because it has become so lopsided due to the need for the book values to be even. Despite losing out on his "MOJO CARD," he takes solace in the fact that his collection is still worth more according to the price guide.
After scrounging yet another trade offer, Joe decides to post his box break results from earlier on the forums for all to see. Even though it is already opened, he does it as if its live, listing every card individually and using smiley faces when he pulls a hit. Over the course of his thread, he uses a total of 178 exclamation points, and lists BV next to each card he pulls. Whenever he pulls a Yankee, his favorite team, he makes sure people know its NFT!!!!!!
This time, he was lucky enough to pull a Chin Ming Wang jersey card with a BV of $85, something that he knew would make people drool. Joe drafts his message board thread title and makes sure people know that he got a great pull! It reads, "BASEBALL BOX LIVE BREAK!!!! YANKEE-JO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME AND SEE!" He thinks to himself that this is genius because maybe someone will see the thread, look at his "SICK MOJO PULLS", and trade him that Derek Jeter auto he always wanted. He thinks that maybe he should have listed the year and brand of cards he broke, but that wasn’t as important as using 28 exclamation points. I mean, how often was he going to pull MOJO like that?
While he is reveling in the glory of people looking at his "SICK PULLS" and posting as such, he remembers he forgot to get the mail! He goes to the mailbox and pulls out a huge package that he knows contains his eBay purchase of 1000 different jersey cards from all sports. He opens the package and tapes it for YouTube so that everyone can see exactly what he got. Making mailday YouTube videos are his favorite.
After dinner, he decides that he needs a new Soulja Boy CD because the one he has is worn out from all the plays he gives it while making his YouTube videos. He jumps in his Dodge Neon and drives to Target. He gets the last copy of the CD and stops by the card isle to pick up a bunch of retail packs. As he approaches the isle, he sees a man searching through the packs, and this makes him incredible hulk angry. He goes to the security manager and lets the rent-a-cop know what is going on. The security guy escorts the man out, and Joe jumps on the chance to buy all the packs the man searched. When he gets home he opens all the packs and finds the plethora of "RETAIL MOJO" that he was so lucky to come upon. He makes a thread on the message boards telling people how he yelled at the man and threw him out of the store himself.
Please feel free to add your own chapter to this story, and remember, I-Bomb radiation is poisonous to informed people.
Ahh, the printing plate. The hobby's runt version of a 1/1, created to lure more collectors into buying cheap products. Let me express how stupid I think inserting printing plates in packs is. Why do I want this piece of trash - literally - that you want to call a 1/1? Fine, slap an auto on it, surely it becomes more desirable but still less so to me than a normal auto'ed card.
Right now there are hundreds of printing plates listed on the world's greatest marketplace - most of which have an abundance of exclamation points in the title. These things usually sell for some cash, especially if it has an auto stickered to it. That baffles me as to why people want this colorless display of your favorite player. First off, it is not a 1/1. At best it is a 1/4, but when triple threads does it, the plates are 1/16. This is because each card requires 4 colors to generate color photography, black, yellow, cyan, and one other color (depending on the process). They use the plates, one after the other to put the colors into place on the card during the printing. Eventually after all the layers are applied, the photo is color, and everyone is happy. Funny enough, the plates you get in the packs are pretty clean considering what they are used for. Plus, as stated before, who says these things are actually used (remember, all is not what it seems).
Ebay sellers want you to think that these "cards" are the bee's knees, but in all reality, they are just another way to further the spread of the 1/1. BMB people often refer to these pulls as the m-word and I think they are fucking idiots. Printing plates arent even completed cards, and they sure as hell arent pretty. I remember UD took it a step further with 2006 Ultimate football, when they had the actual card with a cut out of the plate underneath. This was so ugly that I wouldnt touch them with someone else's 10 foot pole. What's worse is I think I even saw a Mantle cut auto printing plate out of co-signers one year that made me question why the fuck they cut up a Mantle document for this fugly piece of shit.
There really are very few times where they actually work, and I wish that companies would think twice before sending these out with the products. Why not fill the set with cards that are actually good looking, creative, and worth my time. THAT would be an idea to bank on.
Gents, I have found my new favorite box break boards to browse when I am bored, and it is a Mojo-less paradise. Everyone's favorite online wax supplier has their own message board where people actually hate the word as much as I do. Anyone who uses that worthless expression of a good pull is promptly reminded to never use it again. I cant tell you how pleasing that is. I dont care if its not updated as much as the Beckett boards, people on there dont spend anytime on their posts other than writing what they got in their boxes. Its literally heaven.
Proud member since 2005:
I think I have encountered the worst Beckett Board thread title in the history of thread titles. Women who are pregnant or nursing should shield their eyes. Here you go:
3 packs 07/08 bowman sterling......SUPERMANJO!!!!!!!!!
Let me break this one down, because I will now have to spend the next 2 hours cleaning up my Family Guy Ipicac Puke. First off, using the word "mojo" makes you a douchebag, and it should never be used. Secondly combining the word with an excessive use of exclamation points makes you an ignorant douchebag with a death wish (there are 9 above). Thirdly, combining a player's name with Mojo and using the exclamation point like you are hitting the morphine button on your IV drip, makes you an ignorant douchebag with a death wish that may not have passed kindergarten. Lastly, combining a player's stupid ass nickname derived from a costume worn while doing an awful layup in a slam dunk competition with Mojo and using the exclamation point like you will get a 1up for every time you hit it, makes you the ignorant message board douchebag of the century. Pat your 13 year old self on the back. Congrats.
(NOTE: My respect level for Dwight Howard was zero immediately after he expressed his goal in the NBA: to have the league put a Christian cross in their logo. It went lower than zero when he put on the Superman costume in reference to the worst song in recent and non recent memory, rather than the comic character.)
