NBA Draft: Hold The Mayo

I am so pissed right now. SO FUCKING PISSED. The Wolves get a great pick at #3 in Mayo, and then deal him, in true McHaley fashion. With him they unload Jaric's hugemoungus contract and Antoine Walker, but they lose a potential All Star that you can build a team around. Lets face it, Big Al and K-love are not people that are a Marketing exec's dream.

Just for fuck's sake, lets take a walk down memory lane:

1996: Draft Ray Allen (All Star, Great Player, Three Bomb Specialist, HOF?), Trade for Marbury (Conceded, Doesnt mesh with Garnett, gone after a few years)

2006: Draft Brandon Roy (2007 ROY, 2007 All star, Great Player), Trade for Randy Foye (Still undecided - probably wont ever be as good as Roy).

Basically, we are not good at draft day trades. Nor trades in general for that matter. Look at the Jaric deal that still looms over this franchise even though he is now gone.

I would document the years in between, but they are filled with awful picks that never pan out. When it comes down to it, Kevin Mchale is as bad as Matt Millen, and he needs to go to a hell where he is forced to watch the team he built over and over and over again for all eternity, while Danny Ainge laughs as he waives his ring covered hand in his face. What a fuck face.

EDIT: Just a quick name note. As I was going back through the draft day lists, I came across this wonderful name that I could never imagine anyone living their life with. Dijon Thompson. Fucking DIJON fucking Thompson. Holy shitballs, who names their kid after mustard? Can you imagine what his young life must have been like as a Basketball player? "Yo Dijon cant pass the ball, he cant even pass the grey poupon!"

NBA Draft: Hall of Name All Stars

I know very little about the NBA Draft prospects and their talents, but I do know a lot about one aspect of the draft that never ceases to amaze: Names. Horrible, horrid, awful names. I personally believe that certain people should not be allowed to name their children without permission from a certified sane person, and yet every year, a new JerMichael, Craphonso or FreDanzo makes it into my realm of consciousness.

Regardless, last year's draft was one of the worst in recent memory. I mean, it was so bad that DeCody Fagg laughed to himself. Here are my lowlights from last year(in order of draft):

1. Acie Law IV - Im sure this is just a nickname, but the fact that he spells out Acie instead of the more common AC initials, makes this kind of suspect. Also its kind of weird that three other Acie Laws came before him.

2. Javaris Crittendon - What the fuck were his parents thinking naming their kid Javaris? Its like they drew syllables out of a hat and threw them on a sticky board to come up with this name. Dont worry, it gets better!

3. Daequan Cook - Lord, this is awful. Just beyond bad. At least his name isnt Dae'Quan as that would violate every naming rule in the book. Besides, is there like a book for these names or something? Jesus fucking christ, I would never want to collect a guy named fucking Daequan.

4. Jermareo Davidson - Im guessing this is a ghetto fabulous combination of Jermaine and Mario, but pulled off in a way that screams EPIC FAIL. At least spell Mario as such instead of leaving us with the bad taste of mareo in our mouths. Ugh, lets move on.

5. Reyshawn Terry - Do these parents like combining names or something? Is that what happens on the street? Cant figure out if its Rey or Shawn that is the baby daddy? Hell, pay tribute to both, thats the way! I know this is a gross and awful generalization, but I doubt I am far off with some.

6. JamesOn Curry - No that is not a typo, the O is really capitalized. What the fuck people? One capital letter per name please. Plus, if the capital letter is not in a normal place, you need to rethink your kid's name. Holy God. Also: this guy has a wicked 'stache.

7. Taurean Green - Im guessing the mom was drinking red bull while coming up with this abortion of a name. Main active ingredient in Red Bull besides meth? Taurine.

8. Demitris Nichols - Spelling error that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Demitrius right? Nope, just Demitris. My parents arent the fastest dribble on the court.

9. Jamario Moon - See his brother Jermareo for further explanation.

With that, lets move onto the projected awful names for 2008:

1. Jerryd Bayless - Please tell me what is wrong with Jared? Please? Fuck, these people have no idea about spelling rules, do they?

2. JaVale McGee - Multiple Caps, typical syllables, awful name. Someone should go up to his parents KaNasky and RaShownda McGee and tell them that their idea for a name sucks. At least they didnt name him Gorgeous. (See Name of the Year Website)

3. DeAndre Jordan - So, Andre wasnt enough huh? Talk about forcing your kid into one of two professions. You can guess what the other one is. Either way, I guess they just wanted something normal for their kid after their experiement with his brother DaKingShit went horribly wrong.

4. Marreese Spheights - Maurice? Nah, too easy. We from doubleletterville. Gotta go with Marreese for all the homies back hahme.

Other than those, the draft is pretty tame. Lesson to parents: think before you name.

EDIT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I didnt even to bother to look up what OJ stood for. Lets go to the board! Ovinton J'Anthony. Ovinton J'Anthony. Ovinton J'Anthony. Please, dont let that sink in - blood may shoot out your ears. This is so fucking bad that the kid hates his name enough to initial it! Fuck that Im calling myself OJ! I dont care if people think of the Juice when they hear it, but damn, what were my parents thinking?!?

Hall of Name

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce to you, Craphonso Thorpe 2008.



Wow, the parents should be killed. Look at that wonderous name! Its a fucking abortion. Lets start with the first name, being that it starts with De, has two capital letters in it, and has an apostrophe, three elements on my shit list. I guess it wasnt good enough to be "Just Cody," he has to be De'Cody. Some people should have to apply to name their children. Personally, I cant wait to meet his sister, An'Nita.

Next lets gander at the funniestt shitt I have everr fuckingg seenn. I know its sophomoric, but holy fucking shitballs! The best part? The bottom of the card displays it proudly in 72 point all caps font. Nice job with this design, Topps.

Craphonso Thorpe, you have a new buddy in the Hall of Name.

If I Had a Million Dollars...

Well, there is still a ridiculous amount of time until the NFL season is even close to getting started, and naturally I am bored. So I decided to put together my own prospecting sheet for the 2008 season on some players you may want to get your hands on cheaply while you still can...

(In no particular order)

1. Sidney Rice - WR - Vikings



Yeah, yeah, I know, hometown bias. Still, this guy is going to be a beast. In an injury shortened season he led the team in just about everything, even though thats like saying I led my little league team in everything when I was 25. I would say that with Bernard Berrian on the other side of the field and All Day requiring 8-9 in the box every play, he should have a mammoth year. Tarvaris Jackson (another awful, awful first name that should never be used again) should come into his own this season now with a few under his belt. I am one that believes they should have gone for Brohm in the second round, but now we gotta work with him. He definitely has the chops, but maybe not the intelligence. This is a make or break year for him and I would expect Sidney to benefit greatly.

Approx Price for Exquisite Auto /225: 80 dollars
Approx Price for 3 clr SPA: 65 dollars
Approx Price for standard auto: <30

2. Kevin Kolb - QB - Eagles

This guy was a second round pick that I never put much thought into, honestly. This year, however, he is worth more than a thought to the sheep out there. If you guys think Donovan McKneeinjury is going to make it through the year as the QB of this team, forget it. He hasnt played a full season in 3 years, and Mr. Kolb will be the shoulders it all falls on. When this happens his cards will jump and you will profit - even if he does shitty at first. They drafted DeSean Jackson to build up their WR corps, a great move with Westbrook tearing up D's like they are tissue paper. I think by next year Kolb will be a starter for good and you can expect good things from him on a playoff caliber team.

Approx Price for Exquisite Auto /225: 90-100 dollars
Approx Price for 3 clr SPA: 50-60 dollars
Approx Price for standard auto: <30

3. Marshawn Lynch - RB - Buffalo

Im putting Lynch on here because he deserves to be. His cards are already expensive, but to tell you the truth, I think they will be more so come next year. He broke the 1000 yard mark last year with a handful of TDs and you can expect he will do it again. Unlike All Day, he wont face 8-9 in the box every play, so he will have some room to run. I expect him to blow up - and I expect the same thing from his cards. If you have some extra coin laying around, you may want to consider dropping some on his SPA or at the very least, his Limited auto.

Approx Price for Exquisite Auto /99: 400-500 dollars
Approx Price for 3 clr SPA: 300-400 dollars
Approx Price for standard auto: <70

4. Laurence Maroney - RB - Patriots

Maroney is a beast, dont let anyone tell you different. He had an okay first 2 years in the league and will definitely be better come next year. He was kind of the forgotten son of Bellichek's offense, but this year I have a feeling he wont be ignored. His Exquisite is already expensive because he is a Patriot, but his SPA and other autos are still quite affordable. I would check him out and maybe spend the 20 bucks to get his lower end autos.

Approx Price for Exquisite Auto /225: 200-250 dollars
Approx Price for 3 clr SPA: 70-80 dollars (watch out for fakes!!)
Approx Price for standard auto: <40

5. Anthony Gonzalez - WR - Colts

Marvin Harrison likes to shoot his gun and Anthony Gonzalez will benefit. He was a first rounder last year and his non-exquisite stuff is dirt cheap because of the colts depth chart. I would expect him to have a better year mainly due to the fact that his QB is probably the smartest person in the league, and the fact that they love to pass even when ahead - despite having an awesome Joseph Addai. I would say he is a good investment to take a look at.

Approx Price for Exquisite Auto /99: 150-200 dollars (Tier 1 price)
Approx Price for 2 clr SPA: 40-50 dollars
Approx Price for standard auto: <20

Other mentions:

Steve Smith - WR - Giants: Not impressed with play during playoffs or reg season, stuff already at its peak even if he has a good year. Needs a GREAT year for stuff to boom.

Patrick Willis - LB - 49ers: Defensive guys never do much in the hobby with few exceptions. If he has another monster year, expect his stuff to go up - just not that much.

Reggie Bush - RB - Saints: His stuff is so down that it may be the time to get it. If he has even an inkling of a good season his stuff will jump. So many people are sitting on his stuff and waiting, that I think its a good idea to buy low. Its definitely a risk.

Santonio Holmes - WR - Steelers: He's a Steeler so that helps, but the Steelers dont pass much, and when they do its to Hines Ward, so thats bad. He still has major potential, despite having ANOTHER fucking awful first name. Man, some people should not be able to name their kids.

Maurice Jones-Drew - RB - Jaguars: Another great buy, but still very expensive due to a great year last year. I would say that you should wait to see how he does this year before making a large investment. You could save yourself some dough - just a hunch.

OMFG

If you want to know where this hobby is going, take a look at this card. Obviously less than 5 minutes went into designing this Sinorice Moss card, and I would be pissed if I was the player. That swatch is so oddly placed, he is probably thinking, "First the Giants draft me late. Then they draft a receiver AGAIN in 2008. Now my cards look fugly and there will never be another because I suck." Poor Sinorice, I guess you deserve it because your first name should be banned from all future born children.