Wednesday, June 25, 2008

NBA Draft: Hall of Name All Stars

I know very little about the NBA Draft prospects and their talents, but I do know a lot about one aspect of the draft that never ceases to amaze: Names. Horrible, horrid, awful names. I personally believe that certain people should not be allowed to name their children without permission from a certified sane person, and yet every year, a new JerMichael, Craphonso or FreDanzo makes it into my realm of consciousness.

Regardless, last year's draft was one of the worst in recent memory. I mean, it was so bad that DeCody Fagg laughed to himself. Here are my lowlights from last year(in order of draft):

1. Acie Law IV - Im sure this is just a nickname, but the fact that he spells out Acie instead of the more common AC initials, makes this kind of suspect. Also its kind of weird that three other Acie Laws came before him.

2. Javaris Crittendon - What the fuck were his parents thinking naming their kid Javaris? Its like they drew syllables out of a hat and threw them on a sticky board to come up with this name. Dont worry, it gets better!

3. Daequan Cook - Lord, this is awful. Just beyond bad. At least his name isnt Dae'Quan as that would violate every naming rule in the book. Besides, is there like a book for these names or something? Jesus fucking christ, I would never want to collect a guy named fucking Daequan.

4. Jermareo Davidson - Im guessing this is a ghetto fabulous combination of Jermaine and Mario, but pulled off in a way that screams EPIC FAIL. At least spell Mario as such instead of leaving us with the bad taste of mareo in our mouths. Ugh, lets move on.

5. Reyshawn Terry - Do these parents like combining names or something? Is that what happens on the street? Cant figure out if its Rey or Shawn that is the baby daddy? Hell, pay tribute to both, thats the way! I know this is a gross and awful generalization, but I doubt I am far off with some.

6. JamesOn Curry - No that is not a typo, the O is really capitalized. What the fuck people? One capital letter per name please. Plus, if the capital letter is not in a normal place, you need to rethink your kid's name. Holy God. Also: this guy has a wicked 'stache.

7. Taurean Green - Im guessing the mom was drinking red bull while coming up with this abortion of a name. Main active ingredient in Red Bull besides meth? Taurine.

8. Demitris Nichols - Spelling error that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Demitrius right? Nope, just Demitris. My parents arent the fastest dribble on the court.

9. Jamario Moon - See his brother Jermareo for further explanation.

With that, lets move onto the projected awful names for 2008:

1. Jerryd Bayless - Please tell me what is wrong with Jared? Please? Fuck, these people have no idea about spelling rules, do they?

2. JaVale McGee - Multiple Caps, typical syllables, awful name. Someone should go up to his parents KaNasky and RaShownda McGee and tell them that their idea for a name sucks. At least they didnt name him Gorgeous. (See Name of the Year Website)

3. DeAndre Jordan - So, Andre wasnt enough huh? Talk about forcing your kid into one of two professions. You can guess what the other one is. Either way, I guess they just wanted something normal for their kid after their experiement with his brother DaKingShit went horribly wrong.

4. Marreese Spheights - Maurice? Nah, too easy. We from doubleletterville. Gotta go with Marreese for all the homies back hahme.

Other than those, the draft is pretty tame. Lesson to parents: think before you name.

EDIT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I didnt even to bother to look up what OJ stood for. Lets go to the board! Ovinton J'Anthony. Ovinton J'Anthony. Ovinton J'Anthony. Please, dont let that sink in - blood may shoot out your ears. This is so fucking bad that the kid hates his name enough to initial it! Fuck that Im calling myself OJ! I dont care if people think of the Juice when they hear it, but damn, what were my parents thinking?!?


  1. Nope Acie isn't short for A.C., his real name is actually Acie. As is his father, grandfather and great-grandfather's name.

    Hey, at least they are consistent about it.

    Ovinton J'Anthony... um, I have no explanation for that one.

  2. One of these days I'll do a blog on my favorite and least favorite "Sports Names."

    Here's a preview:

    Best Tennis Name that should be a Hockey Name: Goran Ivanisvec.

    Ebby Calvn "Nuke" Laloosh Award for dumbest baseball nickname that he LEGALLY changed: Boof nee John Paul Bonser
    - Sorry Gellman, had to be said. I actually LIKE the name, but it is kinda dumb.

  3. I would say Boof would be on that list if he didnt legally change it - those dont really count. Plus he did it as a tribute to his dead mother, so I understand.

    These guys - 100% Grade A Shit For Names

  4. I love the name Boof Bonser, I think it's fabulous, but you have to admit, it's really goofy

  5. Uh Oh, has LeBron drawn your ire for bad names too Gellman?