Today I Am A Wolves Fan Again For 10 Minutes

Last year I claimed that due to the OJ Mayo trade, I was no longer a Timberwolves fan. I have held true to that claim throughout the year, pretty much ignoring the NBA altogether. When the night ended last june, McHale had me by drafting the best player available, and then crushed my dreams when he traded the pick to Memphis the next morning for Love. Keving Love has worked out, though he will never be like Mayo, especially when they have already threatened to trade him to get at the number 2 pick.

Today, as with every sport's draft, I am a true Minnesota sports fan. I will watch intently as Blake Griffin and others come off the board en route to the Wolves FOUR fucking first round picks. Yes, its the worst draft in years and they have more draft picks than they have EVER had.

Here is my take on things after doing a little research, so by no means am I an expert. We all know that Griffin will go #1, rightfully so, but then its a crap shoot. Thabeet could go number 2, but so could Rubio, especially if the Wolves are trading up. Then its Tyreke (yes, Tyreke) Evans, Harden, Hill, Curry and a few others that could go in any order. The problem is that both Rubio and Thabeet have GIMUNGOUS holes in their games, and both will probably end up as busts in my opinion. Thabeet is just a shot blocker who is tall, but so was Mutombo, who had a long and fruitful career. Rubio is pretty much skin and bones, who struggled in Europe, but he is also only 18. I dont like either one.

Some wild card lottery picks that may end up in the later half are Jrue (seriously, Jrue? What torture...) Holliday and Psycho T Hansbrough. Hansbrough is destined to fufill Mark Madsen's legacy of being the guy who comes off the bench to draw fouls on Yao, Shaq, and Howard, so he would be an awful pick so high. He may turn out to be a great bench cheerleader a la Madsen, but he is a wasted lottery pick. As for Jrue, picking him would be completely jridiculous as his upside is not worth the jrisk at this point.

Brandon Jennings may sneak into the top ten, despite the fact he has struggled more than Rubio has in Europe. Again, he is very young, so Jennings may actually turn out to be more than a 1989 spike lee movie cliche. Both were thought of as top talent, but have yet to show how much they really have.

What I would like to see: the Twolves stay where they are and draft Evans and Curry. If one comes off the board ahead of time, trade like they always do. As long as we dont take Thabeet, thats all I care about.

This Could Be The Coolest Sports Card Ever Created Pt 2

I found this posted on one of the other message boards I follow when I posted the God Shammgod card.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce Mr. Wonderful Terrific Monds. He was a prospect in the Braves system named as such because his parents were so happy when he was born. Now he will be tortured, ridiculed, and blogged about until he dies.

I actually find this kind of sad, because he obviously wasnt at all wonderful or terrific enough to make it to the show, but also because he has to live up to his name his whole life. Although, I will say, he would be the perfect person to run a car dealership or restaurant under his name. Forget Galpin Honda, lets get Wonderful Terrific Honda!

Georgia RB Jumps High, Has Awful Ridiculous Name

If you haven't seen the acrobatics of Georgia's Knowshon Moreno, then you should check it out. He is pretty acrobatic, looks pretty good for a sophomore, and could be a top pick in the 2010 draft, but he also could have the most ridiculous first name I have seen since Craphonso Thorpe. Seriously parents, did you want your kid to grow up thinking that you were completely incompetant? I would think so if you name him fucking Knowshon.

Either way, check out the vid.

Awful Names: Part One Billion

Je'Rod Cherry, yes you read that right, is raffling off his SB ring for a charity. Granted the cause is pretty noble and he is giving up something that most players hold dearer than their children, but the name is just spectacularly bad. He has at least three things in his first name that makes it an awful excuse for a moniker, and the last name is a fruit, thus making it legendary. Again, here are the first name rules never to be broken:

No multiples of capital letters. You get one. Use it wisely. If you are the parents of JameSon Curry of the NBA, you have brought this rule to its knees and ran it through with a sword.

No apostrophe. Just dont. You will make your kid look like he cant spell his name. Most of the time, that is not that unexpected, as some of the names are so fucking ronduckulis I couldnt spell em. Ask De'Cody Fagg.

No combining parents names. The kid is a separate being, give him a new name, or give him yours exactly. Fucking shitballs.

No hyphens. We dont ever need a LaQu'sha-J'anine. Spare us.

Spell the name as it was meant to be spelled. Dont spell Tyrell as Tie'riellle. Dont spell Brian as Bryenne. Pretty simple. Creativity is for art, not for names. Try applying for a job other than football, D'Brickashaw.

No dooming your kid to a life of crime or stripping. Strippers choose names like Kiki and Porsche because they are costumed to be like that. They dont ask for those names. I would expect a lot of them are actually named Nancy or Cindy.

No spelling things backwards. Neveah is an awful name. dont even try it.

No naming per a royal title. Prince or Princess is a title, not a name. You deserve to be shot if you name your kid Prynsesse.

No naming your kid per an adjective. To the brothers from Georgia State (or whatever) football named YourHighness and Gorgeous, I pity you.

Inside jokes are not acceptable as names. Reprobatus Banks feels the pain of this every day.

Visit nameoftheyear.com for more fun.

Please Legally Change My Name To "SwearBlogger"

Chad Johnson has entered a whole new unexplored level of stupidity by taking the first few steps to change his name legally to "Chad Ocho Cinco." Im guessing this is kind of like getting a tattoo of your number on your arm, but this is a little bit more, well, visible. Personally I think he deserves a name like "Chad Awfule-TD'danzer" or "Chad MeFurst-Noe'teem" because they are more fitting, and because his parents always wanted a hyphenated last name for him. In fact, here are a few other names that may fit some of the current idiots in the past and present NFL:

Orenthal James Thaglovedontfit
Emmitt Tackelosityness
Randy Bongracer
Adam "Pacman" Strep'teezegunshot
Marvin Quieterthanasilencer
Cedric Speedtwocruzcontrol
Daunte Captainstubingboatrocker (He switched to dual citizenship with Germany too)
Ron Mexico
Brett Enduplikeunitasonchargers (His great-grandfather was ethiopian)

Back to Mr. Ocho Cinco, I think it would be legendary if someone traded him to a team that has 85 as a retired number. Justice for the stupid, then.

Product Review: 2008 Topps Football

Well, Topps is here. Yay. I saw a case of jumbos busted at a shop here and I must say this has to be the biggest money burn-fest I have seen in a long time. You seriously will have better luck playing the lottery than hitting something big with this stuff.

Either way, lets get on with it.

THE GOOD

The design of the cards is pretty nice. Its sleek and clean and it works well with a lot of the colors in the pictures. They have included a lot of nice looking insert sets again, including some new ones like the dynasty tributes, and all of them look pretty good. Personally, I think this product would be a lot better with some chrome cards included, but I guess we will have to wait for those.

It was also nice to see every rookie from the premiere decked out in their digs, and the Rookie Premiere Autographs will definitely be the only reason to buy this product once again. Seriously, there is not a single reason to buy a hobby box of this over the jumbos unless you are collecting the sets. The RPAs are jumbo exclusive, and I think Topps is stupid for not making more of them and not putting them in the hobby too.

THE BAD

I dont know who took all the pictures for the rookies at the premiere but someone needs to tell him a few things:

1. You dont need to shoot the ENTIRE body of the player - closer shots are good.

2. QBs can be shown in more than one pose.

3. There is no reason to show anyone in the heisman pose

Also, I can tell that these cards are pretty much going to have the exact same effect on the hobby this year as last (nothing at all), so I think its about time for Topps to think about adding a little more value to this set.

THE UGLY

As the guy was busting his case, he came across a card that contained a medal of a player that was in the war during that time frame. No one really cared who the player was, but we were all a little preturbed that the medal was just some cheap knock off from Topps. Why the fuck would you include these in the product? These could be the stupidest idea for a card since Topps put out presidential letters to cash in on that craze. Seriously, why would anyone want to purchase the equivilent of a manufactured letter card in the form of an army medal - no auto included? For god's fucking sake, slap a sticker on there.

They also have cards of the chest logos and patches from the uniforms, and all I have to say is that Topps should not cash in on this stuff. Its just dumb for a football card.

Secondly, the performance highlight autos, which no one cares about anyways, are back and they are uglier than ever. Plus, all the rookies are in their college jerseys? Ba-wha? Why? God, this seems like a fucking rush job if I ever saw one.

To this day I have no idea why any company releases rookie based products before the regular season. That way they have more than enough time to get game photos and use those rather than the cop out college jersey shot.

To the would be buyers out there: DONT WASTE YOUR MONEY.

NBA Draft: Hall of Name All Stars

I know very little about the NBA Draft prospects and their talents, but I do know a lot about one aspect of the draft that never ceases to amaze: Names. Horrible, horrid, awful names. I personally believe that certain people should not be allowed to name their children without permission from a certified sane person, and yet every year, a new JerMichael, Craphonso or FreDanzo makes it into my realm of consciousness.

Regardless, last year's draft was one of the worst in recent memory. I mean, it was so bad that DeCody Fagg laughed to himself. Here are my lowlights from last year(in order of draft):

1. Acie Law IV - Im sure this is just a nickname, but the fact that he spells out Acie instead of the more common AC initials, makes this kind of suspect. Also its kind of weird that three other Acie Laws came before him.

2. Javaris Crittendon - What the fuck were his parents thinking naming their kid Javaris? Its like they drew syllables out of a hat and threw them on a sticky board to come up with this name. Dont worry, it gets better!

3. Daequan Cook - Lord, this is awful. Just beyond bad. At least his name isnt Dae'Quan as that would violate every naming rule in the book. Besides, is there like a book for these names or something? Jesus fucking christ, I would never want to collect a guy named fucking Daequan.

4. Jermareo Davidson - Im guessing this is a ghetto fabulous combination of Jermaine and Mario, but pulled off in a way that screams EPIC FAIL. At least spell Mario as such instead of leaving us with the bad taste of mareo in our mouths. Ugh, lets move on.

5. Reyshawn Terry - Do these parents like combining names or something? Is that what happens on the street? Cant figure out if its Rey or Shawn that is the baby daddy? Hell, pay tribute to both, thats the way! I know this is a gross and awful generalization, but I doubt I am far off with some.

6. JamesOn Curry - No that is not a typo, the O is really capitalized. What the fuck people? One capital letter per name please. Plus, if the capital letter is not in a normal place, you need to rethink your kid's name. Holy God. Also: this guy has a wicked 'stache.

7. Taurean Green - Im guessing the mom was drinking red bull while coming up with this abortion of a name. Main active ingredient in Red Bull besides meth? Taurine.

8. Demitris Nichols - Spelling error that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Demitrius right? Nope, just Demitris. My parents arent the fastest dribble on the court.

9. Jamario Moon - See his brother Jermareo for further explanation.

With that, lets move onto the projected awful names for 2008:

1. Jerryd Bayless - Please tell me what is wrong with Jared? Please? Fuck, these people have no idea about spelling rules, do they?

2. JaVale McGee - Multiple Caps, typical syllables, awful name. Someone should go up to his parents KaNasky and RaShownda McGee and tell them that their idea for a name sucks. At least they didnt name him Gorgeous. (See Name of the Year Website)

3. DeAndre Jordan - So, Andre wasnt enough huh? Talk about forcing your kid into one of two professions. You can guess what the other one is. Either way, I guess they just wanted something normal for their kid after their experiement with his brother DaKingShit went horribly wrong.

4. Marreese Spheights - Maurice? Nah, too easy. We from doubleletterville. Gotta go with Marreese for all the homies back hahme.

Other than those, the draft is pretty tame. Lesson to parents: think before you name.

EDIT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I didnt even to bother to look up what OJ stood for. Lets go to the board! Ovinton J'Anthony. Ovinton J'Anthony. Ovinton J'Anthony. Please, dont let that sink in - blood may shoot out your ears. This is so fucking bad that the kid hates his name enough to initial it! Fuck that Im calling myself OJ! I dont care if people think of the Juice when they hear it, but damn, what were my parents thinking?!?

Hall of Name

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce to you, Craphonso Thorpe 2008.



Wow, the parents should be killed. Look at that wonderous name! Its a fucking abortion. Lets start with the first name, being that it starts with De, has two capital letters in it, and has an apostrophe, three elements on my shit list. I guess it wasnt good enough to be "Just Cody," he has to be De'Cody. Some people should have to apply to name their children. Personally, I cant wait to meet his sister, An'Nita.

Next lets gander at the funniestt shitt I have everr fuckingg seenn. I know its sophomoric, but holy fucking shitballs! The best part? The bottom of the card displays it proudly in 72 point all caps font. Nice job with this design, Topps.

Craphonso Thorpe, you have a new buddy in the Hall of Name.