A Day In The Life Of Joe Collector

I'm beginning to think that the people of the hobby annoy me more than the manufacturers and Beckett ever could. As I have referred to them before, most of the people are sheep and will basically go where the shepherd takes them. Unfortunately for most, Beckett and UD are the shepherds - you know how I feel about that.

For those "Joe Collectors" that fall into the flock, I have the utmost contempt for their kind. I would explain it in words, but it really defies the use of common language. For me, spending an hour watching blind children fall into a vat of acid would be more inviting than spending one fucking mind numbing minute browsing some of the posts on the Beckett Message Board - or as I call it - the fallout zone from the biggest Idiot-Bomb ever dropped.

For the following, I want to go over a typical day that makes a Joe Collector so unappealing to me that I would take this kind of position against him. Ill warn you, small children should not be exposed to the following part of the post. Women who are pregnant or nursing should consult a doctor if they experience dizziness or dry mouth.

Joe Collector (pictured above) starts his day off by going to the hobby shop down the road. He loves this part of the day because he gets to go talk to the owner who gives him Yankee singles at low book. WHAT A DEAL! Today is special because his favorite product, Topps Triple Threads has just come in. He rips through both packs yelling, "CMON MOJO, CMON MOJO, CMON MOJO!" at full volume, much to the chagrin of many of the other customers in the store. Normally, he would shout out "LAST PACK MOJO!!!!" when he got to the last pack in the box, but with only two packs in the box today, its not as dramatic.

After ripping through his box and putting all his cards from the break in magnetic snap cases - even that Billy Wagner parallel card numbered 18/699 - Joe goes to the counter and pulls out a Beckett to price his haul. To him, the Wagner is worth more than its book value of $5.00 because it is numbered to his college jersey number (a 1/1 for sure!). He takes out his iPhone and updates his collection with the book values from Beckett and saves a new message board signature that explains exactly how much his collection is worth according to the new book. Some of his collection isn't priced due to scarcity, so he makes sure people know EXACTLY what portion that is.

Later, while re-upping his subscription to the Beckett online price guide, he gets a trade offer from a rare informed collector that says that he has that one card he was looking for. Joe realizes that what he will be trading to get the card is worth much more in the book than the card he is getting in return. Of course, as a Joe Collector, this fact means much more than actually having the card he was waiting for, so he makes sure that the trade is even despite having identical eBay prices to begin with. The person he is trading with mentions how stupid that is, mainly because eBay is a much better way to price a card. Joe Collector reassures the informed collector that eBay is a fickle monster, that the prices change daily, and that Beckett is a much more reliable source. The person declines his new offer because it has become so lopsided due to the need for the book values to be even. Despite losing out on his "MOJO CARD," he takes solace in the fact that his collection is still worth more according to the price guide.

After scrounging yet another trade offer, Joe decides to post his box break results from earlier on the forums for all to see. Even though it is already opened, he does it as if its live, listing every card individually and using smiley faces when he pulls a hit. Over the course of his thread, he uses a total of 178 exclamation points, and lists BV next to each card he pulls. Whenever he pulls a Yankee, his favorite team, he makes sure people know its NFT!!!!!!

This time, he was lucky enough to pull a Chin Ming Wang jersey card with a BV of $85, something that he knew would make people drool. Joe drafts his message board thread title and makes sure people know that he got a great pull! It reads, "BASEBALL BOX LIVE BREAK!!!! YANKEE-JO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME AND SEE!" He thinks to himself that this is genius because maybe someone will see the thread, look at his "SICK MOJO PULLS", and trade him that Derek Jeter auto he always wanted. He thinks that maybe he should have listed the year and brand of cards he broke, but that wasn’t as important as using 28 exclamation points. I mean, how often was he going to pull MOJO like that?

While he is reveling in the glory of people looking at his "SICK PULLS" and posting as such, he remembers he forgot to get the mail! He goes to the mailbox and pulls out a huge package that he knows contains his eBay purchase of 1000 different jersey cards from all sports. He opens the package and tapes it for YouTube so that everyone can see exactly what he got. Making mailday YouTube videos are his favorite.

After dinner, he decides that he needs a new Soulja Boy CD because the one he has is worn out from all the plays he gives it while making his YouTube videos. He jumps in his Dodge Neon and drives to Target. He gets the last copy of the CD and stops by the card isle to pick up a bunch of retail packs. As he approaches the isle, he sees a man searching through the packs, and this makes him incredible hulk angry. He goes to the security manager and lets the rent-a-cop know what is going on. The security guy escorts the man out, and Joe jumps on the chance to buy all the packs the man searched. When he gets home he opens all the packs and finds the plethora of "RETAIL MOJO" that he was so lucky to come upon. He makes a thread on the message boards telling people how he yelled at the man and threw him out of the store himself.

Please feel free to add your own chapter to this story, and remember, I-Bomb radiation is poisonous to informed people.