Tuesday, June 17, 2008

A Day In The Life Of Joe Collector

I'm beginning to think that the people of the hobby annoy me more than the manufacturers and Beckett ever could. As I have referred to them before, most of the people are sheep and will basically go where the shepherd takes them. Unfortunately for most, Beckett and UD are the shepherds - you know how I feel about that.

For those "Joe Collectors" that fall into the flock, I have the utmost contempt for their kind. I would explain it in words, but it really defies the use of common language. For me, spending an hour watching blind children fall into a vat of acid would be more inviting than spending one fucking mind numbing minute browsing some of the posts on the Beckett Message Board - or as I call it - the fallout zone from the biggest Idiot-Bomb ever dropped.

For the following, I want to go over a typical day that makes a Joe Collector so unappealing to me that I would take this kind of position against him. Ill warn you, small children should not be exposed to the following part of the post. Women who are pregnant or nursing should consult a doctor if they experience dizziness or dry mouth.

Joe Collector (pictured above) starts his day off by going to the hobby shop down the road. He loves this part of the day because he gets to go talk to the owner who gives him Yankee singles at low book. WHAT A DEAL! Today is special because his favorite product, Topps Triple Threads has just come in. He rips through both packs yelling, "CMON MOJO, CMON MOJO, CMON MOJO!" at full volume, much to the chagrin of many of the other customers in the store. Normally, he would shout out "LAST PACK MOJO!!!!" when he got to the last pack in the box, but with only two packs in the box today, its not as dramatic.

After ripping through his box and putting all his cards from the break in magnetic snap cases - even that Billy Wagner parallel card numbered 18/699 - Joe goes to the counter and pulls out a Beckett to price his haul. To him, the Wagner is worth more than its book value of $5.00 because it is numbered to his college jersey number (a 1/1 for sure!). He takes out his iPhone and updates his collection with the book values from Beckett and saves a new message board signature that explains exactly how much his collection is worth according to the new book. Some of his collection isn't priced due to scarcity, so he makes sure people know EXACTLY what portion that is.

Later, while re-upping his subscription to the Beckett online price guide, he gets a trade offer from a rare informed collector that says that he has that one card he was looking for. Joe realizes that what he will be trading to get the card is worth much more in the book than the card he is getting in return. Of course, as a Joe Collector, this fact means much more than actually having the card he was waiting for, so he makes sure that the trade is even despite having identical eBay prices to begin with. The person he is trading with mentions how stupid that is, mainly because eBay is a much better way to price a card. Joe Collector reassures the informed collector that eBay is a fickle monster, that the prices change daily, and that Beckett is a much more reliable source. The person declines his new offer because it has become so lopsided due to the need for the book values to be even. Despite losing out on his "MOJO CARD," he takes solace in the fact that his collection is still worth more according to the price guide.

After scrounging yet another trade offer, Joe decides to post his box break results from earlier on the forums for all to see. Even though it is already opened, he does it as if its live, listing every card individually and using smiley faces when he pulls a hit. Over the course of his thread, he uses a total of 178 exclamation points, and lists BV next to each card he pulls. Whenever he pulls a Yankee, his favorite team, he makes sure people know its NFT!!!!!!

This time, he was lucky enough to pull a Chin Ming Wang jersey card with a BV of $85, something that he knew would make people drool. Joe drafts his message board thread title and makes sure people know that he got a great pull! It reads, "BASEBALL BOX LIVE BREAK!!!! YANKEE-JO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME AND SEE!" He thinks to himself that this is genius because maybe someone will see the thread, look at his "SICK MOJO PULLS", and trade him that Derek Jeter auto he always wanted. He thinks that maybe he should have listed the year and brand of cards he broke, but that wasn’t as important as using 28 exclamation points. I mean, how often was he going to pull MOJO like that?

While he is reveling in the glory of people looking at his "SICK PULLS" and posting as such, he remembers he forgot to get the mail! He goes to the mailbox and pulls out a huge package that he knows contains his eBay purchase of 1000 different jersey cards from all sports. He opens the package and tapes it for YouTube so that everyone can see exactly what he got. Making mailday YouTube videos are his favorite.

After dinner, he decides that he needs a new Soulja Boy CD because the one he has is worn out from all the plays he gives it while making his YouTube videos. He jumps in his Dodge Neon and drives to Target. He gets the last copy of the CD and stops by the card isle to pick up a bunch of retail packs. As he approaches the isle, he sees a man searching through the packs, and this makes him incredible hulk angry. He goes to the security manager and lets the rent-a-cop know what is going on. The security guy escorts the man out, and Joe jumps on the chance to buy all the packs the man searched. When he gets home he opens all the packs and finds the plethora of "RETAIL MOJO" that he was so lucky to come upon. He makes a thread on the message boards telling people how he yelled at the man and threw him out of the store himself.


Please feel free to add your own chapter to this story, and remember, I-Bomb radiation is poisonous to informed people.

19 comments:

  1. This post had BLOGPOST-MOJO!!!!!!!!!!!! (BV: $50)

    Nitwits like "Joe" are the reason why I've stopped posting to the Beckett boards years ago.

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  2. Actually, BV is like $1,000. It is post 127, and 12+7=22! 22 is the number of posts that highlight the idiocy of Joe Collectors, making this a 1/1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. Actually, isn't it a 1/2 since you told the actual story of this idiot last week?

    The biggest problem is that you run into morons like this on eBay too, with BIN prices that make you want to shit yourself!

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  4. That was just a prelude. This is the total character picture. I think its fucking wonderful that these people actually exist.

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  5. Er, if they are gathered in one place wouldn't it be convenient to drop an I-bomb on their collective asses?

    BTW, I think I read an earlier post in this blog stating you used to work in a card shop in MN. That shop didn't happen to be Shinders?

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  6. Exist? I'm pretty sure they outnumber us buddy. Have you been to a card show lately? I've got assholes quoting BV like it's gospel, asking $30 for a card I picked up for $5 on TWGM.

    BTW - New baseball post coming soon

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  7. You forgot to add in the part where Joe, who hasn't slept with a woman since that rare occasion where he got one drunk at a sports bar watching a game (because he's too cheap to actually go to a game) back in 1991, masturbates to his Yankee collection, making sure to wipe his seed off on a Boston Red Sox hand towel.

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  8. To Anonymous: I plead the 5th on Shinders. UGHHH.

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  9. Of course! It all makes sense now!

    Gellman used to work for the evil empire. Gellman...Beckett is your father.

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  10. LOL, well gellman your description was apt enough, unlocking cases so people could get singles/wax? All too familiar as Shinders. I was there when the ship went flaming down into the ocean.

    BTW, I think it would make a great blog post to rail against what they stood for. They had plenty of bad tactics that the hobby rails against. Overpriced wax and singles, not to mention their real money maker *cough* adult material *cough*.

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  11. Or how about when the 10 year old kid comes in to the store with a book full of valuable cards he wants to sell. The manager sees that the kid doesnt know what they are worth and offers him about half of what he could get on TWGM. The kid agrees and goes and buys his yugioh cards. I saw this happen on a daily basis. THE DOUCHEBAGS AT SHINDERS DESERVED TO DIE.

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  12. Now be honest Gellman. How many times did you have to take the little kids money, knowing you were basically fucking him over?

    The guilt is eating you alive.

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  13. Also, now that I think of it, what self respecting shop that sells sports cards would sell porn as well? Absolutely none, I'm glad no other shops have followed the same business model. (Or if anyone goes to a shop that sells both, please disclose)

    Even comic shops wouldn't stoop to selling pornography.

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  14. i am not positive of this but I am pretty sure that Beyond Shinders (started by some former employees) also sells porn. They also continue to be overpriced in wax and singles (just with a lot less selection).

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  15. One of the best card shops in Georgia is in this dumpy little flea market on highway 41. The guy who owns it has been hoarding cards since the 50's. The place is like a freaking card museum with everything from tobacco cards to 30's gum cards to early Topps stuff to the present. He's got a stack of '54 NY Journal-American cards that he personally swiped off the newstands when he was a kid. If he finds out you're interested in tobacco cards, he'll tell you the story of how he found this little old lady in the early 60's who was selling her husband's T206s and how he bought 'em all for a nickel apiece and how that still cost him over $400 and he had to move in with his parents until he sold the things because he spent all his rent and food money on the cards. AND HE STILL DIDN'T GET THAT GODDAMN WAGNER. There are boxes and binders and piles of every topps set ever made in there. Several cases of high dollar crap 90's inserts. Autographs of freakin' everybody and he'll tell ya where he got most of them signed. He's also got a bigger selection of reprint cards than Fritsch and he sells em for twice the price. The place is like a baseball card museum, he's got everything in there and he'll tell you all about it.

    You know what else he's got?

    PORN. STACKS AND BOXES AND PILES OF IT. EVERYWHERE. MAGAZINES LYING WIDE OPEN RIGHT ON TOP OF THE STAR BOXES EVEN.

    The whole damn building is like Rule 34, he's got everything and when someone walks him he can usually tell you exactly what variety of porn they prefer. The man's a freaking porn connoisseur. His vintage playboy collection rivals the card collection and he got most of it free from wives throwing away their dead husband's stash.

    I don't think the guy does this for a living as the flea market is only open on weekends, but I can personally attest to the fact that cards and porn can co-exist in the right environment.

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  16. Wax and Porn go hand in hand. One is about fucking, the other is about getting fucked.

    I'll let you all decide which is which.

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  17. Porn was actually how Shinders stayed open as long as it did. I sold more videos than I sold cards any day, and I couldnt believe some of the people that were in the store with the kids. I didnt sell many boxes, but I sold a lot of packs and singles (mostly Twins) to kids, and yugioh and pokemon cards were huge. Of all the things that were sold, porn enveloped them like 5-1 in terms of sales, though. The worst was waiting in line, as the kids were standing behind people with Ass Fuckers vol 11-19 in their hands and giving me a weird look.

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  18. Shinders (not its current replacement) could still be open today if the owner just kept his nose out of the coke. I mean they had the monopoly of porn sales for the suburbs, it meant people didn't have to go downtown for their smut.

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  19. Comic Book stores, at least the ones in California, have sold just as much porn as liquor stores, only in a comic store, it's drawings of people fucking, not actual people fucking.

    I have yet to see a sports card store in California that also sells porn. Must be a mid-west thing.

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