Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Captain Cheesburger Strikes Again

Annnnnnnnnnd the Twins lose again. This time to my least favorite player in the whole fucking league. People wonder why I hate Sabathia so much, but the truth is pretty simple: he is a big fat baby.

It seems like every time they play, Sabathia takes it upon himself to display just how big of a big fat baby he really is. The first time this happened was 4 years ago when Sabathia was a newer guy, and was pitching with the most annoying crooked hat ever allowed in major league baseball. I kept telling my buddy that if you want to display your ghetto fashion, a baseball uniform is not the place. Of course, Ronnie Belliard was also on the team... in cornrows... with a doo-rag... AND a crooked hat, so the Indians were by far my least favorite minor league team. Anyways, in one of the early innings, 3 consecutive Twins batters tried to lay down bunt hits - a great strategy against the Kevin Duckworth of the MLB, right? Sabathia, in his BFB nature, was adamant that running as a pitcher was unacceptable and decided to take action. Unfortunately for Dustin Mohr, he was next at the plate. He took a 95 mph fastball in the hand and was out for the rest of the year. Why? Because Sabathia is a big fat baby.

Jhonny better run, he is about to be dinner.

A year later, after a much publicized Sabathia return to the dome, Torii Hunter expressed that he and Jacque Jones were friends with him and that it was always a good time to beat up on him due to friendly competition. I never looked at Hunter with the same eyes again. A friend? Pffft. Fart on that.

This time, in the late innings of the game, both the Twins and Indians had put three runs on the board, and the Twins were threatening with the bases loaded. Guess who comes to the plate? Torriius Hunterton, Indian Killah. Sabathia was well over 100 pitches and it was clear his stuff was failing him at the moment having walked a few batters before Hunter. Torii proceeded to launch a rocket double off the baggie in right, scoring all three and putting the Twins up for good. Again, because Sabathia is a big fat baby, someone had to take the brunt of the "friendly competition." Sadly, it was rookie Justin Morneau, who, being the last left handed hitter for a while, was an obvious choice to be Sabathia's last batter with the bases empty. The sound of the fastball hitting Morneau in the wrist was suprisingly sickening. Morneau goes on the 15 day DL while Sabathia is ejected.

You would think that after two times, and a scathing article in the Star Trib that things would stop. Umm no. Every year the Twins and Sabathia face off because of the awful idea to let the teams play 19 games against each division rival. Each time, something pisses off Captain Cheeseburger, and each time, someone gets a fastball in the gut (or head). Last night, Matt Macri, someone who had never faced Sabathia before, laid down a bunt single. After walking, out of breath, back to the mound, Sabathia faced speedy Carlos Gomez, another rookie. Gomez tried to bunt on 0-1 and missed it foul, but that didn’t stop the BFB from throwing at him next pitch. Unlike his bretheren before him, Gomez was quick enough to get out of the way - see here. The Indians announcers laughed and said that he hates being bunted on. NO SHIT - DEAL WITH IT YOU DOUCHE. Its not like they are cheating, corking bats, or even throwing at Indians. They are playing the game, and Gomez leads the league in bunt singles. In BFB's mind: KILL HIM!

I hate you Sabathia, I hope you and your stupid big fat ass are traded to Milwaukee, that would be poetic justice.

1 comment:

  1. one of the funniest pieces i have read here. captain cheeseburger. i hate the indians too. i'm a tigers fan. it's hard to build up a hatred for the twins. they do it the right way. peace.