The Onion: SCU Fans?

I was going through my google reader today and I found this awesome article of Onion-y goodness in my box. It definitely reminds me that Captain Cheeseburger actually does love eating cheesburgers, even if they are acutally players.

Matt LaPorta Is My Worst Nightmare

Im kinda sick right now, I think I just inherited all the Cheeseburgers that the Captain left behind in the American League when he was traded to the Brewers for Matt "Babies Are a Snack For Me" LaPorta. Personally, I cant understand why you do this trade if you are the Brewers unless you have the money somewhere to sign him. He is going to cost 100 mil plus, so you better start getting out the checkbooks. Basically, you have traded your future OF bomber for half a year of a guy that hasnt been ALL THAT GOOD for the first half of the season. The Captain has shown flashes of his Cy year, but he has also cemented his status as a BIG FAT BABY as well. Plus, he may pull a "Johan" and not adjust well to National League style of play.

EDIT: Johan is still the man, I made a stat lookup mistake on the Mets' website. My bad.



On the other side of the trade you have Matt LaPorta, who in all seriousness will be much better than Corey Hart, but will still take a few years of polish before he can start. Ryan Braun is your Left Fielder for the next hundred years, so you have to put him in right or in center. He isnt much of a center type of guy, so I would say they wouldnt have groomed him that way. LaPorta has a huge-mongous bat and has clobbered AA pitching at a .286/20HR/66RBI clip. For a second year guy, thats huge(mongous).

Sidenote: As Cleveland has a GLARING hole at LaPorta's position, I have a feeling this guy will be a Magglio in the Twins' side. Or at the very least, a Casey Blake. I can only fathom how many moonshots he will hit in the Dome or whatever the new park will be called.

Now, here is the situation that I may do this trade:

It is a day before the deadline and you are a first place team ahead by 5 or less games, and you know the team behind you has a lot of fire power to close that ground. You know that if you can get good pitching (the key to championships) you will be able to hold and extend your lead. You sacrifice your top prospect, but you make the playoffs instead. You will get 5 draft picks in the first 35 if Sabathia and Sheets walk at the end of the year, though most likely they will be Yankees or Red Sox picks in the lower half of the first round.

See, thats the thing, I dont see the Brewcrew making it to the playoffs ahead of the Cubs, Cardinals, Rockies, etc. etc. Can you imagine what will happen though if they indeed dont make it? Chaos, as they have traded away a God for some cheeseburgers.

Card wise, I see a huge jump for LaPorta's stuff as the JCs will no doubt fight it out over his shit now that he has garnered national attention. I mean, his sick MOJO CARDZ must be awesome if the tribe was willing to give up the captain for him...

CC has never sold well, mainly because he is a BFB, but also because he has only had one amazing year. Look at Johan Santana, his cards sell for bunk because he is(was) a small market guy with a team that never did anything (other than win 3 straight division titles and 2 Cy youngs). Plus, as I always say, chicks (and Joe Collectors) dig the long ball, and pitchers dont hit home runs.

Captain Cheesburger Strikes Again

Annnnnnnnnnd the Twins lose again. This time to my least favorite player in the whole fucking league. People wonder why I hate Sabathia so much, but the truth is pretty simple: he is a big fat baby.

It seems like every time they play, Sabathia takes it upon himself to display just how big of a big fat baby he really is. The first time this happened was 4 years ago when Sabathia was a newer guy, and was pitching with the most annoying crooked hat ever allowed in major league baseball. I kept telling my buddy that if you want to display your ghetto fashion, a baseball uniform is not the place. Of course, Ronnie Belliard was also on the team... in cornrows... with a doo-rag... AND a crooked hat, so the Indians were by far my least favorite minor league team. Anyways, in one of the early innings, 3 consecutive Twins batters tried to lay down bunt hits - a great strategy against the Kevin Duckworth of the MLB, right? Sabathia, in his BFB nature, was adamant that running as a pitcher was unacceptable and decided to take action. Unfortunately for Dustin Mohr, he was next at the plate. He took a 95 mph fastball in the hand and was out for the rest of the year. Why? Because Sabathia is a big fat baby.


Jhonny better run, he is about to be dinner.

A year later, after a much publicized Sabathia return to the dome, Torii Hunter expressed that he and Jacque Jones were friends with him and that it was always a good time to beat up on him due to friendly competition. I never looked at Hunter with the same eyes again. A friend? Pffft. Fart on that.

This time, in the late innings of the game, both the Twins and Indians had put three runs on the board, and the Twins were threatening with the bases loaded. Guess who comes to the plate? Torriius Hunterton, Indian Killah. Sabathia was well over 100 pitches and it was clear his stuff was failing him at the moment having walked a few batters before Hunter. Torii proceeded to launch a rocket double off the baggie in right, scoring all three and putting the Twins up for good. Again, because Sabathia is a big fat baby, someone had to take the brunt of the "friendly competition." Sadly, it was rookie Justin Morneau, who, being the last left handed hitter for a while, was an obvious choice to be Sabathia's last batter with the bases empty. The sound of the fastball hitting Morneau in the wrist was suprisingly sickening. Morneau goes on the 15 day DL while Sabathia is ejected.

You would think that after two times, and a scathing article in the Star Trib that things would stop. Umm no. Every year the Twins and Sabathia face off because of the awful idea to let the teams play 19 games against each division rival. Each time, something pisses off Captain Cheeseburger, and each time, someone gets a fastball in the gut (or head). Last night, Matt Macri, someone who had never faced Sabathia before, laid down a bunt single. After walking, out of breath, back to the mound, Sabathia faced speedy Carlos Gomez, another rookie. Gomez tried to bunt on 0-1 and missed it foul, but that didn’t stop the BFB from throwing at him next pitch. Unlike his bretheren before him, Gomez was quick enough to get out of the way - see here. The Indians announcers laughed and said that he hates being bunted on. NO SHIT - DEAL WITH IT YOU DOUCHE. Its not like they are cheating, corking bats, or even throwing at Indians. They are playing the game, and Gomez leads the league in bunt singles. In BFB's mind: KILL HIM!

I hate you Sabathia, I hope you and your stupid big fat ass are traded to Milwaukee, that would be poetic justice.