Monday, October 6, 2008

These Team Names Bug The Crap Out Of Me

Of the team names that exist in pro sports, there are a few of them I cant fucking stand. I mean, most of them have nothing to do with the actual prowess of the team, they just suck. Here is what I mean (in no particular order of suckage):

Houston Texans (NFL) - What if I named the Vikings the Minneapolis Minnesotans? What if there were three other teams in Minnesota? Regardless of what a "Texan" really is, this name is shit. Its the biggest cop out of all cop outs. When I heard the new NFL team was going to be named the Texans, I was like, "Can someone tell me why they just named their team after a citizen of Texas?" (Possible other names they could have had: Outlaws, Wranglers, Marauders, Vultures)

Charlotte Bobcats (NBA) - Im serious, this sounds like a WNBA equivilent team. No matter how menacing a Bobcat may be in real life, they are feminine animal to me. Considering how fucking awesome a Hornet is for a team mascot, this is the complete opposite. Man, Insect mascots are so underrated. (Possible other names they could have had: Barons, Divebombers, Tiger Sharks, Destroyers)

Columbus Blue Jackets (NHL) - What the fuck is a blue jacket, and why would you name your team after them? Wiki says, "The Blue Jackets' name and logos are rooted in Ohio's rich Civil War history," but that is inconsequential. There easily could be a better name for this team that still carries that history. Personally, as a civil war knowledge layperson, I got nothing in my head about OHIO and the fucking Civil War. Also, can someone elaborate on why neon fucking yellow was part of the logo? (Possible other names they could have had: Generals, Owls, Cyclones, Cavalry, Cannons)

Tampa Bay Devil Rays (MLB) - The Stingray would have been an awesome sea life mascot. The Devil Ray sounds cool, but not as cool. When you take out the devil, based on some fucking ridiculous objection from some dumbass, you deserve to be on this list. I guess they are playing on the sun's "rays" and the actual animal "ray" but really it doesnt fucking matter. Yeah, you made the playoffs, but your team name sucks. (Possible other names they could have had: Stingrays, Crocodiles, Sharks, Tarantulas, Smugglers, Hitmen)

Oklahoma City Thunder (NBA) - Every criticism you have heard is completely justified. To use an amorphic mascot as your team name never works. When you hire a college graphic design student to design your shit, you become infamous. As the Heat. (Not going to list possible names because this is so recent)

Which brings me to...

Miami Heat and Orlando Magic (NBA) - Yes yes, the Magic Kingdom is in Orlando and it is very hot in Miami. Still, you need to have a person or thing as your mascot. A firey basketball is not a cool amorphic logo and the team name sucks more. The Magic have sucked forever, maybe its because you cannot personify their mascot. Fuck. (Possible other names they could have had: Wizards, Typhoons, Tsunami, Scorpions, Cobras, Diablos)

Minnesota Twins (MLB) - I know, its in regard to the Twin Cities, but as awesome a team name as the Vikings are, and as awesome a team name as the Timberwolves are, this sucks. Completely non-threatening team names suck. (Possible other names they could have had: Bears, Blizzards, Buffalo, Bison, Eagles, Wolves - pre NBA)

Which brings me to...

Minnesota Wild (NHL) - Holy crap this name sucks. The bear head logo is awesome but the name blows more than the Timberwolves whole team. It could work if you were a 50's rock band, but not if you are a hockey team.

Washington Wizards (NBA) - I really think that the Wizards would have been a good name for the Orlando team, but this makes no sense in Washington. The Bullets were so much cooler, and the jerseys were so much cooler with the red and white stripes. I hate this one, Washington teams cant be named something cool, which brings me to...

Washington Redskins (NFL) - I dont mind indian names when they sound respectful. This could be the most racist teams in the world. I mean, I couldnt imagine the New York Hook Noses, being a jew, so this should go. If there is actually a tribe named the Redskins, it shouldnt matter. This name sucks. (Possible other names they could have had: Commanders, Bandits, Generals, Admirals, Warriors)

Washington Nationals (MLB) - Never has a city gone 3 for 3. Never. Welcome to idiocracy that is Washington DC. Only would a Washington team name itself after what seems to be diplomats in other countries. Patriotic my ass.

NOTE: My team names may suck, but I had little to go on. If you have others, please post, I literally put 5 seconds of thought into each one. I really wish a team would be named the Cannons. How cool is that? Oh, and baseball team names need to be boring. They always are.


  1. As an Orlando Magic fan, I have to complain...Did you not watch last season? We won over 50 games!!!LOL

    As for the Bobcats...this is what I heard. They are owned by BET's Robert Johnson (Bob). The players on the team are "cool cats". Therefore, you have Bob's Cats or Bobcats.

  2. Yeah, the Minnesota Wild is the worst ever in any sport. Utah Jazz is pretty horrible too. Anything that doesn't end in an "s" should be banned.

    I like the name Rays though. I wish that the franchise would have been named that originally. "Devil Rays" was clunky and sucked. "Rays" is a simple baseball team name, and it means multiple things: sun rays and underwater rays.

    A lot of baseball team names would suck if they hadn't been around 100 years. Red Sox, White Sox, Reds, Phillies, Athletics - these are all horrible names for a team, but since they're so ingrained in our minds, we don't notice.

  3. Dig - body of work, my friend, body of work.

  4. Since you don't like the Houston Texans, they should have used the Miami Heat as inspiration and named them the Houston Humidity.

  5. I used to live in Northern Virginia and we had a class A franchise called the Prince William Cannons. They have changed names and organizational affiliation so many times in recent years that I cannot remember who they were at the time. They are currently the Potomac Nationals.
    I did get to see Barry Bonds play there as well as others like Andy Pettite and Kevin Maas.

  6. The Maple Leafs always pissed me off. It's Leaves! Damn it! Plus the Browns. Brown what? Their uniforms suck too.

  7. the Calgary Cannons were a AAA team, before turned into the Albuquerque Isotopes...another cool name!

    The Quebec Nordiques had a cool name, even if i had no idea what a Nordique just sounded good.

  8. The good news is that Chicago has all good sports team names...

    Ok, we can ignore the White's not like 60% of the city know who they are anyway.

  9. Never were truer words posted. Regarding the Washington and Tampa Bay team names especially.

  10. Is a team named the "Widow-Makers" too much to ask?

  11. I'll always associate the name Thunder with the old World League Football team the Orlando Thunder. Mainly because they had the most horrifyingly awful football uniforms ever.

    A warning before you click that link... you can never unsee what Kerwin Bell is wearing on his card.

  12. If weather conditions is gonna be our source of inspiration, well, Houston Barometers sounds good specially right now that the team is extremely under pressure......

  13. Why is it always the self righteous, post racial white guy that has a problem with the Washington Redskins? I have several Native American friends and they don't give a crap what Snyder calls his team, but I suppose it makes you feel incredibly intelligent and compassionate to rant about it.

  14. joe,
    the browns are named after their famous owner (or was it coach?) paul Brown.
    in the world of sports, i think football nicknames are always the best (Lions and Bengals and Bears, oh my).

  15. I have to go with Nashville Predators as worst team name.

    It screams "creepy old men".

    And Yes how can Washington find the term Bullets offensive and not Redskins?

  16. The Redskins are always brought up because their name and logo is the worst other than the cleveland indians. It has nothing to do with being self righteous or "post racial".