Saturday, April 4, 2009

Beckett: #1 Authority On Getting Laid

So, I get an email from Hitter yesterday informing me that the wonderful people at Beckett have added "relationship councelors" to their list of epic fails. For some reason, they feel arrogant enough to assume the role of relationship psychologist for the cardboard community, as if they hadnt already done enough damage to the hobby we love. 

See, its about target audience, and holy fucking fuck has Beckett screwed the pooch on this. I mean, Gamepro doesnt go and write about Chanel perfume on their shit, do they? They know its fucking stupid and people will laugh their ass off as much as I did when I saw this shit.

I am going to assume that they were sitting around a conference table, wondering where to go next. Here is how it went:

Beckett Lackey #1: Well, our Beckett Obama price guide is hitting shelves in a few weeks, so be sure to add that we are the number one authority on Presidential Collectibles to the website.

Beckett Lackey #2: Are we the number one authority? 

Beckett Lackey #1: Well, we are the only ones ever to put out a magazine about this stupid shit, so that automatically makes us number 1. How dare you question me!

Beckett Lackey #2: So, because we publish a magazine on it, we are supposed to be the best? 

Beckett Lackey #1: YES! YOURE FIRED, NOW LEAVE.

Beckett Lackey #3: Since we are already the number 1 authority on collectibles, presedential stuff, video games, yu-gi-oh! cards, pokemon, and now blogging with Chris Olds, where do we go next? We are still losing readers by the minute...

Beckett Lackey #1: Well, hmm, im not sure. Ha, I have an idea! ***giggles*** Since all the collectors are nerds and have no lives, lets give them relationship advice! ***giggles***

Hackler: You just became the number one authority on ideas, my friend. Congratulations! RUN IT.

Chris Olds: (shouting from down the hall) Did someone say they want a relationship? I want one!


Hackler: Holy shit, what a creepy piece of shit he is. The number one authority on being sexually inexperienced.

Beckett Lackey #1: I know a gal we can drug to bring in here to do this for us. She is like, so hot. I think she would be great.

Chris Olds: (shouting) Did someone say that there are girls coming? ***runs in naked*** ME FIRST!

Beckett Lackey #1: ***barfs***
Beckett Lackey #2: ***barfs***
Hackler: ***Licks his lips***

Beckett Lackey #1: Dude, run that shit, its going to blow the other blogs out of the water, we are fucking geniuses!

Beckett Lackey #2: its going to blow alright.

Hackler: I thought you were fired.

Beckett Lackey #2: Im the #1 authority on being a douche. 

Hackler: Sorry man, already mine.

ANNNND Scene. 


  1. It's amazing. I blogged about this last night. This is not a good move.

  2. Dude, not cool. I totally just spit coffee all over my computer from busting out laughing. I cant believe this is true. I may have to steal some of your material for when I go to the shop later today.

  3. Well what I want to know is who the hell greenlighted this idea?? This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of in my life.... Now back to ignoring beckett like we all should be doing..

  4. That was one of the lamest posts ever to grace this Web site...

  5. As opposed to the ACTUAL post from Beckett on their blog? Holy fuck dude, this is gold compared to that bucket of watery llama turd.

    See James, when you link yourself to Beckett, should I be surprised at your comment? No.

  6. Trust me James, you are wrong on this one. Gellman has posted waaay lamer posts.