Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Awful Names: Part One Billion

Je'Rod Cherry, yes you read that right, is raffling off his SB ring for a charity. Granted the cause is pretty noble and he is giving up something that most players hold dearer than their children, but the name is just spectacularly bad. He has at least three things in his first name that makes it an awful excuse for a moniker, and the last name is a fruit, thus making it legendary. Again, here are the first name rules never to be broken:

No multiples of capital letters. You get one. Use it wisely. If you are the parents of JameSon Curry of the NBA, you have brought this rule to its knees and ran it through with a sword.

No apostrophe. Just dont. You will make your kid look like he cant spell his name. Most of the time, that is not that unexpected, as some of the names are so fucking ronduckulis I couldnt spell em. Ask De'Cody Fagg.

No combining parents names. The kid is a separate being, give him a new name, or give him yours exactly. Fucking shitballs.

No hyphens. We dont ever need a LaQu'sha-J'anine. Spare us.

Spell the name as it was meant to be spelled. Dont spell Tyrell as Tie'riellle. Dont spell Brian as Bryenne. Pretty simple. Creativity is for art, not for names. Try applying for a job other than football, D'Brickashaw.

No dooming your kid to a life of crime or stripping. Strippers choose names like Kiki and Porsche because they are costumed to be like that. They dont ask for those names. I would expect a lot of them are actually named Nancy or Cindy.

No spelling things backwards. Neveah is an awful name. dont even try it.

No naming per a royal title. Prince or Princess is a title, not a name. You deserve to be shot if you name your kid Prynsesse.

No naming your kid per an adjective. To the brothers from Georgia State (or whatever) football named YourHighness and Gorgeous, I pity you.

Inside jokes are not acceptable as names. Reprobatus Banks feels the pain of this every day.

Visit for more fun.

1 comment:

  1. but you gotta admit D'Man Ratsnrop Martelli would be a cool name for my next son