Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dont Tempt Him

The Orlando Sentinel is reporting that the national card show in Chicago is offering recent cave dweller, Steve Bartman, 25,000 reasons to come out of hiding. All he would have to do is sign a photo of the infamous bartman bobble play from the NLCS. Bartman has publically said he doesnt want to be a public figure, but we all know what every Cubs fan's dream is (it involves a sideways pineapple and a very uncomfortable place, like the back of a Volkswagen) .

Here are a few things he could do with the 25 grand:

-Buy a bulletproof upgrade for his car.
-Pay James Carville to "spin" the catch as the republicans' fault.
-Buy an ipod to replace his walkman, as those black headphones are "so 1989."
-Make a youtube video of him jumping over a speeding goat (special appearance by Will Ferrell as Harry Carey).
-Sponsor a national mock turtleneck layering awarness day across greater Chicago
-Purchase Season Tickets to the Cardinals for life
-Erect a statue of Moises Alou from blown up bits of baseball
-Open a Steve Bartman experience ride at Wrigley where fans try to catch a ball without falling into a net that prevents them from falling onto a replica part of Wrigley's outfield (hint: most Cubs fans wont win).
-Contacts, he really needs contacts.
-Pay for Ozzie Guillen's english lessons - more of a public service to Chicago and the world.
-Offer the money to the Florida Marlins as a down payment on a new stadium, because after all, he is their savior.
-Start "Bartmanism" which is similar to Scientology. The Bible is the program to the last game of the NLCS. Creed: Thou shalt not catch thy ball if hit near ye wall.


  1. - Find and hire Radovan Karadzic's make-up artist.

  2. Maybe it's me and I might be a tad greedy, but if I were Bartman, I would have taken the money.